Happy New Year

Hello,

Again left my blog too long but I have wanted to spend as much time as possible with those I love whilst I'm back home for the Christmas holidays, as well as doing a lot of assignment work.

So... 2013 is almost over, I do have to say as I'm getting older I have noticed the weeks, months and years seem to fly by a lot quicker than they used to. Christmas used to take forever to come around but it seems to have sped round again.

I knew I would have too much to say on the matter of new year so thought I would write it all down here where I can babble for as long as I like.

This year has been amazing for me, one of the biggest highlights being getting into University and then making the move to Cheltenham. It wasn't what I expected and it still isn't but I'm beginning to make some great friendships and see that there could be some people I see being lifelong friends, which is always a positive (just hope they feel the same). I never even imagined I would get into University, let alone to do something that makes me feel so excited. Moving away was exciting but absolutely blooming terrifying. I needed to do it and I'm glad I did and over time I am sure it will turn me into the person I should and want to be. Here's to university turning me into a teacher!

One major thing for me was FAME! I got to be a principle and play a character very close to my own persona, but seriously I really don't eat as much as Mabel. I delved into a whole new style of singing and loved it. I stepped out of my shell when finally on stage by adding movement rather than just standing and swaying in the back. Don't get me wrong I love swaying on any stage but to be at the front made me proud with excitement. My top moment of those 4 days was the curtain down on the last performance. I was already crying just as the finale began and was battling back tears so I could see during the last moments of choreography. But once the bows were over and we froze, allowing the curtain to come down one last time. I stopped, centered myself, took one breath, and turned straight to one of my best and most loyal friends. There were no words, we fell into the tightest hug and sobbed, it was one of the most special moments in my life and I miss her very much when I am away. Nobody could have changed how I felt. It was like one of those magic moments in a movie when there is pure bliss and everything goes silent but the energy of that moment continues. Silent happiness.

I learnt how to drive and passed both my tests first time. I completed all my college courses even though there were teachers who doubted I could even pass let alone move on to University to do my dream job. They doubted me which is probably one reason why I doubt myself. But my college tutor really pushed me to do my best and I miss her very much. Apart from my parents she has been the one person who strived to make me do my best for me! To make sure I was doing what I wanted and that I was loving it. I was always be in debt to her as the reason I have got where I am today and I wish I had told her more. She is probably one of the people who has seen me cry the most.

I went through some hard times this year. I think I'm ready to talk about. around About the summertime I begun counselling. It didn't last a huge amount of time and at the moment I don't need to see anyone but I needed guidance. Those around me thought there was something wrong with how I learnt which jeopardised my dreams of being a teacher and there were mentions of depression. I do not think I was ever depressed I just have very negative thoughts. When left alone I always seem to imagine the worst. I thought those who were my friends hated me, that they talked about me behind my back. Whilst at Uni these past few months I have begun experiencing panic attacks and the negative thoughts continued which is why I started this blog and it has helped a lot. Some people say I am too personal on here but if you really know me you'll know I could tell you just about everything about me if you let me.

I have nothing to hide plain and simple. I write so much thinking nobody will read this whole thing, and I don't mind. I write it for me, anyone who reads it and gets enjoyment from it is just a bonus in my eyes.

I will leave resolutions for another time as I know I will most certainly break them. Please leave me comments or send me a message I love reading them and hearing what people think of my writing. Id rather that than silent readers.

Thank you for being here, please continue to read on next year.

Goodnight.

Missing part 2

The bus stop was a cold dark place Collete came to contemplate the day. Not only by setting but the inner thoughts she had whilst sitting there. This particular night he appeared almost like a vision before passing like a mirage. At first it felt as if he had been sent to drag her beyond the shadow she called life but before she could even stumble to her feet he was gone. Overtaken by intoxication and despair Collete fell to the floor for a quiet nap. Awaking to the new morning brought an intense pain filling her head with ideas and sensations she had learnt to enjoy over the years. Pulling herself to her feet people passed her giving no guidance or time. Men walked past their eyes embedded in her bosom whilst women whispered sharp criticism under their breath, boutique bags stuffed under their arms from their most recent hunt. Children were pulled away by protective guardians leaving Collete in a bubble of emptiness.

Looking back into times filled with happiness would be short lived for I can only tell you the truth. At the age of 11 her parents fought like savage felines, criticising again and again at every opportunity until they became alpha. The problem being there could only be one in command so they went their separate ways her father leaving in the night with only a kiss and a small felt heart cushion.

It wasn't pleasant but not many divorces are. Why else would two people break apart and promising to love their partner unconditionally until death do they part. You can imagine how Collete's disappointment deepened due to the length of time the feud continued. The funeral took place only two weeks later. Collete with her mother by her side sobbed softly. Her mother balling into tissue upon tissue. The dark mahogany coffin lined with fine silk and intricately detailed with silver embellishment, was lowered into the plot. Above it a wreath laden with lillies and ivy all intertwined with blood red roses. Another spelling out 'Dad' made of carnations, the colour determined by Collete. They were a sunny yellow as he was always smiling and it also reminded her of a wollen jumper vest he wore on special occasions such as her birthday or trips to the theatre. Her mother's deterioration was more prolonged...

To be continued...

Catch Up

Heya,

I realise it has been a complete forever since I wrote on here but gimme a break I've been busy. I am at university for goodness sakes. Anyway no joke for the past 3 weeks I have been on my first school placement as a trainee teacher. It was really rewarding and I cant wait to keep doing it again and again until I finally have my own class.

Over the past month I have done some awesome things but one of the main things that sticks out in my mind is meeting my little brother for his 16th birthday!! What?! How is this possible, I am stunned enough by the thought of my own age but seeing my brother reach 16 is weird as I remember just how grown up I felt then and what it was like to be 16 at last.

I believed I was soooo grown up but now I'm almost 20, 16 feels like nothing. I thought I knew everything and nothing but oh boy did life surprise me. I have had to face bereavement, loss, love and friendships in ways I never thought could happen. You may feel grown up now but the truth is I was still just a child. Scary thoughts right??

Oh yeah my brothers birthday was so lovely, we met in London, me my mum and dad. My brother was in his dance lesson and me and the family went shopping in Westfield. It was amazing! I wasn't feeling very well so couldn't appreciate the full affect of it all but children so tend to carry bugs so its kind of part of the job to be ill every now and again. Gave him my present over dinner which he liked so I'm super pleased about before getting the train home feeling gross.

Now I have a few little stories:
Quiet coaches on trains mean no talking right? so why come into a coach and talk super loud the whole way back when the person opposite is trying to listen to quiet music whilst reading a book (was Matilda by the way!).
It never gets any easier saying goodbye. I was waiting at the underground after leaving my parents seconds ago and I was a little chocked up but I held it. Until I noticed we were getting the same underground line in opposite directions from the same platform. Their train arrived they got on and I saw the train pull away. It is very hard not to cry in a very public space without feeling like an idiot. I cant look when they leave I have to turn away. My dad has told me that he told this to my mum when she saw I wasn't waving goodbye. It breaks my heart but even now I'm welling up thinking about my family back home. I count the days until I see them again and although I love university all I want is to be home again. I can not wait for Christmas to come so I can spend a month with my family, then maybe I will be able to cope better for the rest of the year.

Wow that got chattery and emotional. I have been away a while so there would be tonnes to chat up on but I think that is enough for now. I can always talk about more another time. Thanks for continuing to read if any of you are still there. Please leave me a comment to let me know how you think I'm doing or about anything you want me to talk about. Thanx

Goodnight.