Time Goes By, So Slowly.

Back again.

Took a week off last week as didn't have a clue what to write about. Still don't really but I'm sure Ill find something to ramble on about. Job stuff is getting better and I'm hearing back from more people. Fingers crossed that I could have a job soon! Rattonians restarts next Sunday which is exciting but filled me with a little bit of terror seeing as the show is on in October, about 6 weeks away.

I realised this morning had I been going back to University this year I would already have moved in to start training for residential assistant work, which seems kind of mad to me now when I think about what I've actually been doing. The summer is ending but I'm really excited for the Autumn and Winter. I am excited for jumpers and Christmas leggings (yes they are a thing!) and hot drinks. The end of the year always has the best holidays too. There's Halloween and I'm determined to be doing something to celebrate with friends. There is bonfire night and I am determined to go and see some fireworks with friends. And then Christmas which means I get to go shopping for gorgeous little presents, plus I love wrapping. But this requires friends for me to give presents too.

I guess realising I should be at Uni has made me think about all the people who wont be around that much to celebrate with me. My friends I made at Uni last year will be no where near me which will be difficult enough to try to keep in contact as it is. The real question is when your friends go away how much do they actually stay your friends? Can you rely on them to be there just as they were before? I've realised its not the same. Its either much better or becomes hard to stay in contact.

If you don't keep regular contact with people then time gets filled up with other things. You fill that time then forget what you've replaced. So by the time these new things end you forget what to do. By this time those old friends may be busy or feel unwanted which is never nice and often untrue.

I was watching Fame the other day and one line really stood out to me more than when we did it at the time. "I wonder where we will all end up". Where exactly? Id like to Facebook stalk people I know in 20 years time and see their lives full of partners (well one partner), children, careers and happiness. But who know what we will see. And what will they see in me?

From not having anything to talk about this blog has got kind of deep and left me with a lot more questions and maybe has got you thinking more than you probably wanted to about how uncertain the future is. Whatever it becomes I hope it still includes the person you are today (just older and greyer).

Goodnight.

Ice Ice Baby.

Hey,

Actually kept to a schedule this week and am writing another blog on a Monday night. Check me out.
Update on life, still no job and the application count is up to 30 but its okay ill get there.

Today I took part in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. It was especially nasty as it has been freezing and tipping it down with rain all day today so even standing out there was enough without the water being poured over me. But I did it. All for a good cause (as long as you donate) and the reasoning behind it was definitely felt. As ALS is related to your muscles I definitely felt my upper body go numb and hard to move and I cant imagine what having the condition is like.

Check out my video here, including my brother and one of my best friends:

 

Today was also the day I took part in a national course in Bexhill with a group of my dancing buddies. It was totally worth it and a lot of fun but definitely made me realise how out of shape I have become in the past year since going to University. I cant wait to get back into dancing and if all goes well try and create a healthier thinner me.

 

Only two weeks left till those two nutters in the video above leave me and go to dance colleges to study for a career in professional dance and dance teaching. The thought of them and a lot of my other friends from home leaving is never a nice one but these guys are some of the very few I am pretty certain I will be seeing until the next generation takes on the ice bucket challenge. I wonder how technological doing this will become in that amount of time? I will miss them of course but I've already left once before and many times throughout the year so I think I've grown a backbone to leaving now. A little cry every now and again and you are sorted. Plus my brother is stuck with me for the rest of his life, cant pick your family unfortunately.



Hopefully Ill be back here next Monday. Trying to make this a more regular thing, you'll be fed up of me by the end of this. Speak to you soon.

Goodnight.

Poem for Puppy

Hey have you heard about this girl?

Northern Irish at heart

Distance tore us apart

Who now journeys on, make up done hair in curls

 

Fantastically perfect in every way

Without a hair out of place

And smile on her face

With a hop, skip and a jump up the hilltop to play

 

A red sheet between us of secrets and tears

She knows all about me my hopes and  my fears

So similar

So strange

Yet a friendship appears

 

A blue mat at church  inside she will roll

A pidgeon at her side to have and to hold.

She is my saucepan and I am  her bowl

And I’ll never let go through the warm or the cold

Lemons or Lemon seeds?

Hey, another month has passed since I have been on here and no progress has been made. I have had a brilliant time with some incredible friends and spent some time doing work for University just so that I can prove that wasn't a complete waste of my life.  Yet I still have no job.

You really do have to put a lot of work in to find a job in the UK. Obviously I could do more. I haven't gone round handing CVs out because I know the minute I turn my back out of that shop it will get chucked in the bin as most applications are made online now.

Lets talk about the application process. Since when do I have to do a personality test before I even get to interview. They analyse every single decision you could make. The minute you say you are confident you aren't considered a team player but if you don't do enough you are lazy or a liability. I cant remember how many times I have written out my qualifications or recent work history. How many times I've clicked drop down boxes about when I'm available or little yes no boxes about committing any crimes. Every time is either thank you for your application but no or I never hear a thing.

I came to the conclusion that when life gives you lemons you make lemonade is a stupid phrase. Not everyone gets lemons. Some of us get lemon seeds and we have to plant and grow the tree before we even get to the stage of making lemonade. And what about those who are privileged enough to buy their own lemonade readily prepared, how is that fair? I know I've gone into this metaphor way to much but the point is there right?

I'll keep searching. Life is still good because I could be somewhere a lot worse with nobody around me and I have some pretty awesome friends that keep each day interesting and full of laughs. Who knows what's around the corner. But seriously if anyone reading this has any ideas about helping me find a job I would actually be eternally grateful.

Please leave some comments about what you'd like me to write about next. Maybe I could do some story writing or a poem or something, Let me know.

Goodnight.

If life gives you Lemons make...Orange juice?

Definitely haven’t been here in a while and I know that's terrible. People having going mad not knowing what to do with their lives obviously.

Well that's kind of why I’m back. This blog was supposed to be about my time at university but recently I have discovered teaching isn’t for me and I'm taking some time away from university for at least a year. The problem now is I don’t have a clue what to do with my life?!

Everything I have done so far has led me up to this point in trying to be a teacher, all the work experience I have done has been working with children and now that’s not what I want to do. I’ve never had a proper job before so cant get anyone to hire me due to no prior experience. I know who hasn't heard of someone never having a job before the age of 20. I cant ride a bike either but I didn’t think that really mattered so much in life so left that aside.

What do I choose to do as a career now?

I love performing. I can hold a tune, I can remember and do dance routines and I think my acting skills are pretty good. Yet those close to me have said that is not enough. I don’t have enough talent to pursue it as a career. Okay so I'll do that for fun. But that still doesn’t answer my question. I would love to work on TV or on the Radio but you cant just walk into a job you have to have experience and qualifications which I don’t have.

I could go back to University but what could I do?

I can write pretty well I have an A level in English Literature and Applied Science. But again my nearest and dearest have told me I am not academic enough to continue to University doing something else. I am smart enough to do a variety of things but not smart enough in a particular field to make it as a specialist.

There are lots of things I'd love to do but none that are actually possible. Id love to do YouTube but there are so many people there now it is very hard to become successful. Id love to be a hairdresser or make up artist but haven’t got the skill or training, plus I cant even handle my own hair let alone anyone else’s. Working at the check in at an airport or on planes would be great fun but I don’t have the image. Working for Disney or in musical theatre would be a dream but again there is a specific image and you have to be extremely talented.

I guess what I’m trying to say is at the moment nothing seems to be making much sense but all I know is I have friends around me keeping me positive and encouraging me to keep searching. My life could be so much worse and it's not so I just have to be thankful for what I have and be patient that something will come my way in the end.

Goodnight.

Be the Cure

Back again. So over the past year I haven’t exactly been the most healthy of human beings. Yes University is a take away menace but it can be tamed. This is going to be about my recent health problems and is just a way for me to vent. Feel free not to read if its too personal.

Back in September when I first arrived at University within the first month or two I started experiencing panic attacks brought on by the thought of being so far away from home. I found it very difficult to make friends and as made evident by my blog by no means did I dislike my flat mates but if I had met them back home we never would have been close enough to be so intimate to live with them. It takes a lot to feel so comfortable with someone you could imagine living t=with them and being thrown into that situation doesn't help.

I had one very bad panic attack where I began finding it hard to breath and felt physically sick after having an argument with my flatmates. Thankfully one of my other flatmates came to help and managed to calm me down. I rang my parents and spoke to them to calm me down. I have lost count the amount of times I cried alone in my room this past year and wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.

I missed the odd lecture due to illness but this is pretty normal. Everyone gets ill now and again that's just normal. When I returned for the Easter holidays I was very ill the day before I travelled back to university. Upon my return the same symptoms returned again and again every week sometimes within the space of 4 days. Nothing seemed to trigger it and I stopped eating fatty foods, chocolate and drinking fizzy drinks yet it still persisted. I visited the doctors after a particularly bad night as I had begun to miss important lectures. I was placed on beta blockers to combat anxiety as it was thought the anxiety was triggering illness. There was no change.

I revisited the doctor who then placed me on tablets with the thought it could be acid reflux but needed more exploration once I returned home. Everything stopped I wasn't ill any more and felt a lot more happy and calm. Until recently it returned one weekend once home.

I visited the doctors back home where I was told to come off all my meds as they were wrong. It wasn’t anything the previous doctor had predicted and the medication for anxiety shouldn’t have been prescribed. She suggested antidepressants or meeting with a mental health nurse which I was unsure about as I don’t believe it is quite that bad. Since then I haven’t been ill again but have been experiencing new symptoms and felt a lot more agitated and negative.

I have had blood tests and will be having a full medical later this week to re-register at my medical practise back home. Now I have to wait and see what comes back. My worry is if nothing comes back as wrong and I only have the symptoms intermittently how can I prove there is anything wrong? How can they discover what is wrong? Will it come back or was it a weird fluke? Will it return in 10-20 years time for no reason? I don't know but I’m sure someone will figure it out eventually even if I cant.

So if I haven’t been around much or haven’t been myself, this is probably why. I’m not ignoring you I'm just not feeling quite myself at the moment.

Goodnight.

Friends...Pals...

I’ve made friends! I know it sounds hard to believe but I actually managed to get out of my university room and escape. Through a really odd path I became a member of the Christian Union and made friends from a range of churches and courses. I started going to church and felt the most amazing sense of community. We were meeting up all the time spending so much free time together. I almost felt like I was spending more time with them than on my course. I enjoyed going for them, the music and the message.

Specifically two people have had a huge impact on my life. We spent so much time together doing a wide variety of things from getting food out in kfc to sleeping round and having flour fights in my kitchen. These people will be my friends for life and I intend never to let go of them. We live so far apart but who would have known what could bring us together. Life may have been tough for us at times but when we are together we know all they want is to have fun and not talk about it, and that’s what we do. Knowing someone so well and thinking about living with them and knowing them when they grow old is the most fantastic feeling. I just wish one day we could all live together in the same old peoples home, it would be the funniest time of my life and I'm sure we would get up to so much trouble. They got me to go out and enjoy myself at things I never thought I could. A true gentleman pigeon and a crazy little puppy always. Love your seal :)

Since returning home from University I have discovered old friends as new. Often when I'm at dancing now I think I am so old and boring the young people would not be interested in me joining them. But they just include me and I feel no different. I’ve known them all such a long time that now they are older it is odd to see them as mature teens. They have become friends that I can have the most intense laughs with, we have so much in common and think in exactly the same way, maybe this just means I am a child at heart. Though a couple of them are very similar ages to me and we have known each other many more years I am so pleased I have had the opportunity to revisit old friendships and make them so much more. This summer is going to be very fun and I feel very privileged to be included in their shenanigans. I’m sure we will have many more twisted and hilarious times out in the sun or prancing about to some very strange songs. No matter how old I am my dancing family always makes me feel welcome no matter how long I have been away.

 

So maybe I am not quite as alone or friendless as I first believed and just need to trust those around me a little more to be there if I ever needed them.

 

Goodnight.