Time Goes By, So Slowly.

Back again.

Took a week off last week as didn't have a clue what to write about. Still don't really but I'm sure Ill find something to ramble on about. Job stuff is getting better and I'm hearing back from more people. Fingers crossed that I could have a job soon! Rattonians restarts next Sunday which is exciting but filled me with a little bit of terror seeing as the show is on in October, about 6 weeks away.

I realised this morning had I been going back to University this year I would already have moved in to start training for residential assistant work, which seems kind of mad to me now when I think about what I've actually been doing. The summer is ending but I'm really excited for the Autumn and Winter. I am excited for jumpers and Christmas leggings (yes they are a thing!) and hot drinks. The end of the year always has the best holidays too. There's Halloween and I'm determined to be doing something to celebrate with friends. There is bonfire night and I am determined to go and see some fireworks with friends. And then Christmas which means I get to go shopping for gorgeous little presents, plus I love wrapping. But this requires friends for me to give presents too.

I guess realising I should be at Uni has made me think about all the people who wont be around that much to celebrate with me. My friends I made at Uni last year will be no where near me which will be difficult enough to try to keep in contact as it is. The real question is when your friends go away how much do they actually stay your friends? Can you rely on them to be there just as they were before? I've realised its not the same. Its either much better or becomes hard to stay in contact.

If you don't keep regular contact with people then time gets filled up with other things. You fill that time then forget what you've replaced. So by the time these new things end you forget what to do. By this time those old friends may be busy or feel unwanted which is never nice and often untrue.

I was watching Fame the other day and one line really stood out to me more than when we did it at the time. "I wonder where we will all end up". Where exactly? Id like to Facebook stalk people I know in 20 years time and see their lives full of partners (well one partner), children, careers and happiness. But who know what we will see. And what will they see in me?

From not having anything to talk about this blog has got kind of deep and left me with a lot more questions and maybe has got you thinking more than you probably wanted to about how uncertain the future is. Whatever it becomes I hope it still includes the person you are today (just older and greyer).

Goodnight.

Ice Ice Baby.

Hey,

Actually kept to a schedule this week and am writing another blog on a Monday night. Check me out.
Update on life, still no job and the application count is up to 30 but its okay ill get there.

Today I took part in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. It was especially nasty as it has been freezing and tipping it down with rain all day today so even standing out there was enough without the water being poured over me. But I did it. All for a good cause (as long as you donate) and the reasoning behind it was definitely felt. As ALS is related to your muscles I definitely felt my upper body go numb and hard to move and I cant imagine what having the condition is like.

Check out my video here, including my brother and one of my best friends:

 

Today was also the day I took part in a national course in Bexhill with a group of my dancing buddies. It was totally worth it and a lot of fun but definitely made me realise how out of shape I have become in the past year since going to University. I cant wait to get back into dancing and if all goes well try and create a healthier thinner me.

 

Only two weeks left till those two nutters in the video above leave me and go to dance colleges to study for a career in professional dance and dance teaching. The thought of them and a lot of my other friends from home leaving is never a nice one but these guys are some of the very few I am pretty certain I will be seeing until the next generation takes on the ice bucket challenge. I wonder how technological doing this will become in that amount of time? I will miss them of course but I've already left once before and many times throughout the year so I think I've grown a backbone to leaving now. A little cry every now and again and you are sorted. Plus my brother is stuck with me for the rest of his life, cant pick your family unfortunately.



Hopefully Ill be back here next Monday. Trying to make this a more regular thing, you'll be fed up of me by the end of this. Speak to you soon.

Goodnight.

Poem for Puppy

Hey have you heard about this girl?

Northern Irish at heart

Distance tore us apart

Who now journeys on, make up done hair in curls

 

Fantastically perfect in every way

Without a hair out of place

And smile on her face

With a hop, skip and a jump up the hilltop to play

 

A red sheet between us of secrets and tears

She knows all about me my hopes and  my fears

So similar

So strange

Yet a friendship appears

 

A blue mat at church  inside she will roll

A pidgeon at her side to have and to hold.

She is my saucepan and I am  her bowl

And I’ll never let go through the warm or the cold

Lemons or Lemon seeds?

Hey, another month has passed since I have been on here and no progress has been made. I have had a brilliant time with some incredible friends and spent some time doing work for University just so that I can prove that wasn't a complete waste of my life.  Yet I still have no job.

You really do have to put a lot of work in to find a job in the UK. Obviously I could do more. I haven't gone round handing CVs out because I know the minute I turn my back out of that shop it will get chucked in the bin as most applications are made online now.

Lets talk about the application process. Since when do I have to do a personality test before I even get to interview. They analyse every single decision you could make. The minute you say you are confident you aren't considered a team player but if you don't do enough you are lazy or a liability. I cant remember how many times I have written out my qualifications or recent work history. How many times I've clicked drop down boxes about when I'm available or little yes no boxes about committing any crimes. Every time is either thank you for your application but no or I never hear a thing.

I came to the conclusion that when life gives you lemons you make lemonade is a stupid phrase. Not everyone gets lemons. Some of us get lemon seeds and we have to plant and grow the tree before we even get to the stage of making lemonade. And what about those who are privileged enough to buy their own lemonade readily prepared, how is that fair? I know I've gone into this metaphor way to much but the point is there right?

I'll keep searching. Life is still good because I could be somewhere a lot worse with nobody around me and I have some pretty awesome friends that keep each day interesting and full of laughs. Who knows what's around the corner. But seriously if anyone reading this has any ideas about helping me find a job I would actually be eternally grateful.

Please leave some comments about what you'd like me to write about next. Maybe I could do some story writing or a poem or something, Let me know.

Goodnight.

If life gives you Lemons make...Orange juice?

Definitely haven’t been here in a while and I know that's terrible. People having going mad not knowing what to do with their lives obviously.

Well that's kind of why I’m back. This blog was supposed to be about my time at university but recently I have discovered teaching isn’t for me and I'm taking some time away from university for at least a year. The problem now is I don’t have a clue what to do with my life?!

Everything I have done so far has led me up to this point in trying to be a teacher, all the work experience I have done has been working with children and now that’s not what I want to do. I’ve never had a proper job before so cant get anyone to hire me due to no prior experience. I know who hasn't heard of someone never having a job before the age of 20. I cant ride a bike either but I didn’t think that really mattered so much in life so left that aside.

What do I choose to do as a career now?

I love performing. I can hold a tune, I can remember and do dance routines and I think my acting skills are pretty good. Yet those close to me have said that is not enough. I don’t have enough talent to pursue it as a career. Okay so I'll do that for fun. But that still doesn’t answer my question. I would love to work on TV or on the Radio but you cant just walk into a job you have to have experience and qualifications which I don’t have.

I could go back to University but what could I do?

I can write pretty well I have an A level in English Literature and Applied Science. But again my nearest and dearest have told me I am not academic enough to continue to University doing something else. I am smart enough to do a variety of things but not smart enough in a particular field to make it as a specialist.

There are lots of things I'd love to do but none that are actually possible. Id love to do YouTube but there are so many people there now it is very hard to become successful. Id love to be a hairdresser or make up artist but haven’t got the skill or training, plus I cant even handle my own hair let alone anyone else’s. Working at the check in at an airport or on planes would be great fun but I don’t have the image. Working for Disney or in musical theatre would be a dream but again there is a specific image and you have to be extremely talented.

I guess what I’m trying to say is at the moment nothing seems to be making much sense but all I know is I have friends around me keeping me positive and encouraging me to keep searching. My life could be so much worse and it's not so I just have to be thankful for what I have and be patient that something will come my way in the end.

Goodnight.

Be the Cure

Back again. So over the past year I haven’t exactly been the most healthy of human beings. Yes University is a take away menace but it can be tamed. This is going to be about my recent health problems and is just a way for me to vent. Feel free not to read if its too personal.

Back in September when I first arrived at University within the first month or two I started experiencing panic attacks brought on by the thought of being so far away from home. I found it very difficult to make friends and as made evident by my blog by no means did I dislike my flat mates but if I had met them back home we never would have been close enough to be so intimate to live with them. It takes a lot to feel so comfortable with someone you could imagine living t=with them and being thrown into that situation doesn't help.

I had one very bad panic attack where I began finding it hard to breath and felt physically sick after having an argument with my flatmates. Thankfully one of my other flatmates came to help and managed to calm me down. I rang my parents and spoke to them to calm me down. I have lost count the amount of times I cried alone in my room this past year and wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.

I missed the odd lecture due to illness but this is pretty normal. Everyone gets ill now and again that's just normal. When I returned for the Easter holidays I was very ill the day before I travelled back to university. Upon my return the same symptoms returned again and again every week sometimes within the space of 4 days. Nothing seemed to trigger it and I stopped eating fatty foods, chocolate and drinking fizzy drinks yet it still persisted. I visited the doctors after a particularly bad night as I had begun to miss important lectures. I was placed on beta blockers to combat anxiety as it was thought the anxiety was triggering illness. There was no change.

I revisited the doctor who then placed me on tablets with the thought it could be acid reflux but needed more exploration once I returned home. Everything stopped I wasn't ill any more and felt a lot more happy and calm. Until recently it returned one weekend once home.

I visited the doctors back home where I was told to come off all my meds as they were wrong. It wasn’t anything the previous doctor had predicted and the medication for anxiety shouldn’t have been prescribed. She suggested antidepressants or meeting with a mental health nurse which I was unsure about as I don’t believe it is quite that bad. Since then I haven’t been ill again but have been experiencing new symptoms and felt a lot more agitated and negative.

I have had blood tests and will be having a full medical later this week to re-register at my medical practise back home. Now I have to wait and see what comes back. My worry is if nothing comes back as wrong and I only have the symptoms intermittently how can I prove there is anything wrong? How can they discover what is wrong? Will it come back or was it a weird fluke? Will it return in 10-20 years time for no reason? I don't know but I’m sure someone will figure it out eventually even if I cant.

So if I haven’t been around much or haven’t been myself, this is probably why. I’m not ignoring you I'm just not feeling quite myself at the moment.

Goodnight.

Friends...Pals...

I’ve made friends! I know it sounds hard to believe but I actually managed to get out of my university room and escape. Through a really odd path I became a member of the Christian Union and made friends from a range of churches and courses. I started going to church and felt the most amazing sense of community. We were meeting up all the time spending so much free time together. I almost felt like I was spending more time with them than on my course. I enjoyed going for them, the music and the message.

Specifically two people have had a huge impact on my life. We spent so much time together doing a wide variety of things from getting food out in kfc to sleeping round and having flour fights in my kitchen. These people will be my friends for life and I intend never to let go of them. We live so far apart but who would have known what could bring us together. Life may have been tough for us at times but when we are together we know all they want is to have fun and not talk about it, and that’s what we do. Knowing someone so well and thinking about living with them and knowing them when they grow old is the most fantastic feeling. I just wish one day we could all live together in the same old peoples home, it would be the funniest time of my life and I'm sure we would get up to so much trouble. They got me to go out and enjoy myself at things I never thought I could. A true gentleman pigeon and a crazy little puppy always. Love your seal :)

Since returning home from University I have discovered old friends as new. Often when I'm at dancing now I think I am so old and boring the young people would not be interested in me joining them. But they just include me and I feel no different. I’ve known them all such a long time that now they are older it is odd to see them as mature teens. They have become friends that I can have the most intense laughs with, we have so much in common and think in exactly the same way, maybe this just means I am a child at heart. Though a couple of them are very similar ages to me and we have known each other many more years I am so pleased I have had the opportunity to revisit old friendships and make them so much more. This summer is going to be very fun and I feel very privileged to be included in their shenanigans. I’m sure we will have many more twisted and hilarious times out in the sun or prancing about to some very strange songs. No matter how old I am my dancing family always makes me feel welcome no matter how long I have been away.

 

So maybe I am not quite as alone or friendless as I first believed and just need to trust those around me a little more to be there if I ever needed them.

 

Goodnight.

Journal Jottings

Hello,

Just a couple of entries from my English journal, let me know what you think.

Fashion Faux Pas

Are you one of those men who wears pink?

There has often been the stereotype that you have to be very confident with yourself as a man to be able to wear pink. I have never understood this. To begin where does this obsession with girls and pink come from? Who decided this and how we separate the men from the women?

If you don’t wear pink, why not? And why do girls swoon when a guy does wear pink, what is so attractive about that, girls have no similar situation which has the same result. Blue may be for boys but it has no difference for females.

There are many girls who from a young age don’t enjoy wearing pink, people often then assume purple is then the next best option. When it comes to shades of pink which is most startling, hot pink or baby pink? Is it worse as a shirt or a jumper, are ties acceptable? So many questions but who could ever really know?

Sexuality has now become associated with the style shape or size of clothes you wear. For example a guy who wore skinny jeans or sweater vests was gay and any girl in tracksuits and a hoody was automatically a lesbian. How did these style choices come about?

Colour plays a pivotal part in how we perceive others. Yellow and orange is generally a brave choice whereas black generally indicates desire to be slimming. And who remembers which way we should wear our stripes? I know this is way too deep into fashion for me but wondering these things is probably what keeps my mind as active as it is.

Body shape is another fashion no-no. Suddenly we are all fruit! Am I an apple or a pear? I am human shape, whatever next. Again this only seems to be a matter for women.

Jelly shoes have made a triumphant return and although I loved mine I feel like they should be kept just for that, children and the beach. I do not understand why grown women would think they are a good idea. Now they are heels and wedges and pumps. More than anything they are uncomfortable and let the dirt in.

I’m no fashion guru but this just doesn’t feel right!

Daddy

Daddy? When I grow up I want to be a princess.

You will always be my princess

Daddy? When I grow up I want to have a husband.

Only the best will do for you.

Little girls love their Daddies even when they are all grown up. The protector, the cuddly bear, the enforcer. The one you have arguments with because they love you and don’t like the thought of you growing up. The proud domestic goddess walking round in sensible slippers.

He’s the one you can tease about their height, size, hair (or lack of it) whilst he smiles and punishes you through tickling.

Daddy? When I grow up I want my children to have a Daddy just like when I used to have you.



Goodnight.

Busy Bee

Hello,

Sorry I haven't been on here in a while. Work pilled up and I needed to be focused on what I was doing at University so this got put back for a while. I haven't been talking to people back home as much as I wanted but my friend-base in Cheltenham has been growing and now I've been here almost 7 months I'm beginning to fit in and see this as my second home.

I have been doing more writing so here is one of the pieces I have done. Ill be putting the rest up over the next few weeks:

Look back and Remember

She turned the corner and was faced with a large brick wall towering above her. She did not wish to return the way she came or be faced with the past. Her breath deepened and became erratic as sweat begun tearing down her forehead. The footsteps grew ever closer as she began scrambling at the wall, hoping for a skilful escape. Crumbs of brickwork fell to the pavement as she clung to the rough edges, her nails worn back beyond her fingertips. They rounded the corner and stared up to see the embodiment of their desires attempting to escape from their grasp. With one sharp tug at the hips he pulled her off the wall and into his arms. He forced himself around her like a straightjacket. As she remembered her lips fell silent, her eyes hazed with emptiness. All thought and light left her mind as she slowly felt the soft cotton skirt wrap around her ankles. The full moon that remained the next morning was joined by a bright red sunrise staining the sky as Alissa slept on the floor by the brick wall, clown mascara down her cheeks. He, on the other hand, in bed only two doors down, the blonde haired lady lying next to him with diamonds on her finger.

 

Sorry its a bit morbid but I have discovered that is just how I write. I will write more when I have more time. Hopefully this week will be that time.

Speak to you all really soon where I will update you on all sorts of great things I have been doing this week.

 

Goodnight.

Unclogging

Hello,

Domestic goddess on the prowl! Oh yeah! Yesterday I did something truly impossible that I'm still coming to terms with my amazingness. I unclogged a kitchen sink.

I know what your thinking, isn't it men that normally have those kinds of jobs, including unblocking toilets and fitting new lightbulbs. But no yesterday I was all man.

The sink was blocked, probably partly because of the fat I had earlier poured down the sink but to be honest at Uni with the amount of goop that goes down that drain im surprised it doesn't get clogged more often. I was summoned to the kitchen to arrive to find a sink filled with warm water, up to them brim. Therefore I could not put any more hot water in the sink.

I open the cupboard underneath the sink to see if I could do anything with the pipes to disperse the gunky, fatty, food mass. I was faced with a huge puddle of water at the bottom of the shelf, water falling between the masses of plastic bags stored under the sink. Water was dripping from the pipes and falling into the open space. It smelled awful, I had to hold my breath to clear out eh soggy bags. 

I thought about what to do next and decided to pour bleach down the sink through the water to see if that would work. At first nothing happened so I left to ask the advise of my other flatmates. Upon our return, we arrived to an empty unblocked sink. I was amazed! I was then left to clear the overflowing cupboard puddle and mop up the water all over the floor.

I placed towels on the bottom layer of the shelf and mopped up the extra water with jay clothes and finished by mopping the kitchen floor. Job well done I think, and for a beginner I am proud of what I did.

Goodnight.

Rant of Anger

Describing anger isn't something I would ever enjoy writing about but you have to be passionate to write the best things.

When I get angry I feel as if I could literally burst. Anyone who really knows me knows I am not confrontational and never have been so when I get close to answering back you know you've hit a nerve. It hits my chest and my breathing becomes erratic and I will only speak few words incase I say something I will later regret. The phrase biting your tounge can become very literal and shaking with anger can often set in.

There are things you can be rightfully angry about that I could understand, like murder or crime acts of injustice that nobody will stand for, but why is it the petit things in life that give the most reaction.

As this blog was intended to be for talking about my experiences at Uni this is what I will continue to write about. Moving in at the beginning of the year is very exciting and you meet lots of people from all over the place. The problem is you have no decision on who you live with most of the time. For most people you find someone who shares interest or who you get on with but who can honestly ever say if they had met these people back home they would be as close friends as they are now? Would you ever consider living with them.

Don't get me wrong living with my housemates now has taught me a lot of new things and if any of them were in trouble I would help them out and be there. But I could tell you face to face one to one that if I had to name them in order of who I would most likely want to never see again for the rest of my life first I'd be able to do it.

Can someone remind me how old I am? Can someone explain to me how if you think I am no better than a child I was able to get into University? I often believe that people rate themselves against others and it has all begun to get a bit competitive, which is very wrong. I got onto this course just as much as you did, I am at this university and I got my place in the same way you did, so what makes you think you are better than me?

I hate writing like this because I feel like I'm being mean and two-faced but often the reasons I don't say these things is because I don't like confrontation or causing arguments. Id love a world where every thought you have must be spoken because the world would be a much nicer place. I'd love to be able to sit in a circle and know I could speak my mind and no harm would come from it then I could carry on with my life as if nothing has happened. There are moments where I wish I could just scream and cry or run home but I want to gain independence. But if that means it takes a little longer for me then so be it.

Everyone started life before they came here at a different stage. I never did much cooking or washing up or clothes washing or general housework, so the transformation for me has been pretty drastic. I have never been away from home for more than a week and whilst I was at home pretty much everything was done for me. I know I still haven't got the hang of it all but I'm learning so give me the chance to make mistakes again and again until I either get into trouble or something happens to make me change. I know my will power is basically non-existent but that is me and that will probably never change, I do things when I want to.

Okay rant over. This is very long and doesn't really show much writing talent but its me expressing myself which is why I created this blog to begin with. I feel a little like I'm writing the Burn Book from mean girls, but hey I am a girl and I have the right to be bitchy when I want to.

Next week, I always say this, next week Ill try again to get my life in an order that it should be. Ill make lists goals and try to stick to them although I know in the end ill be just like I started like 4 or 5 days ago. Oh well it's not like I'm hurting anyone other than myself and I've had enough experience of that to last a lifetime so that isn't going to worry me.

Goodnight.

Home is where the heart is

Hello there,

Another week has been passing and I'm properly settled into Uni again.

Coming back after Christmas has made me realise who I really love spending time with but has also helped me to see I am looking forward to being back in halls again next year. I've been getting on with my work for once which can be rare for me and in general I'm not missing home as much.

When you take a moment to think, I realise I know hardly anything about the people I live with and go to class with but I feel more at ease with them every time we meet up. The more lessons I go to the more work I do to becoming a teacher the more I realise I'm going to love my job once I'm qualified and that what I do both at home and at Uni is beginning to feel like me.

There are few people I used to be able to name that I thought cared about me and would be there if I needed them, but over Christmas and beyond talking to those around me I have seen that maybe there are more people out there for me than I realise. And that makes me feel pretty blessed to know the people I love care about me too. Id like to say the people I thought just knew me as a part of a larger whole now see me as a friend because there are many back home who I consider my friends although I may never be the one to tell them.

Growing up has always been something I never intended to do in a hurry but I enjoy my own company and that of other people. I may not be a big drinker or clubber, but I do enjoy a party a dance and a social gathering. I love being the one holding you back as you throw up or giving you a hug when you feel down and I get much more satisfaction from that than partying till god knows what time in the morning.

This term introduces me to History, R.E, Geography, Languages, D.T whilst continuing with all my core subjects as well as Placement, 4 assignment hand ins and an E-safety lecture. Scary to think I have finished PSHE, music and art for this year and only have one session left of P.E.

I love writing on my blog and never really know exactly what to talk about, I guess I'll just let you know if anything interesting happens. Please keep in contact back home. I will always reply to your messages as Im never far from my phone or laptop these days. Lots of love.

Goodnight.

Hanging on the Telephone

Hello,

I don't really know how to start this week. I'm at one of those points everyone gets. Im sad, but for no incredible reason. Nothing big is wrong, nothing has happened and Im perfectly happy with how my day and week has been going yet it doesn't stop the tears.

You know those times when all you want is a conversation with someone who fully understands you. There are few people in ones life who you can feel comfortable calling just to chat without it being awkward or without them truly understanding and comforting you.

The moment comes when you pass through the contacts on your phone, selecting your victims whom you search to gain happiness from. You dial the number and let the phone ring, and ring and ring...

Nobody picks up.

I'm not going to pretend that annoys me because people are busy, I get busy, I don't always answer calls but at that specific moment its like that was the most important phone call in the world.

Let me give an example. 2 years ago I was at college, I was in my second year and had started a new course in science and everything was going okay I would have been 17 years old. I had finished my lesson and walked away from class to go home. I approached the stairs just round the corner from my classroom and was on my phone. I fell down the stairs hurting my ankle. I couldn't stand very well or continue walking down the stairs. I called everyone in my phone book from college and nobody answered. I felt alone. A couple of minutes later my teacher a shortish man came out of his room to go downstairs. He asked if I was okay, I gave a quick explanation then burst into tears. I was humiliated.

He walked me to reception and called my dad to drive and get me. Nobody had answered my calls or responded. It may not always seem important to answer a call but at that moment it was.

Which got me thinking, who knows why someone may be calling. There could be a time when Ive been kidnapped or stabbed or raped and I only have time to make one call. I may choose you, and if you don't pick up something awful could happen.

Morbid I know. Just wanted to say that sometimes a phone call may be someone reaching out for help and it may not be important to you but to your caller it could be the most important second in their lives at that very moment.

On a happier ending this week I've really got the chance to speak to more people for longer at uni and have begun seeing a future with friends that I make here which at first I didn't imagine was going to happen. Life is looking up, even amongst down days like today.

Goodnight.