Journal Jottings

Hello,

Just a couple of entries from my English journal, let me know what you think.

Fashion Faux Pas

Are you one of those men who wears pink?

There has often been the stereotype that you have to be very confident with yourself as a man to be able to wear pink. I have never understood this. To begin where does this obsession with girls and pink come from? Who decided this and how we separate the men from the women?

If you don’t wear pink, why not? And why do girls swoon when a guy does wear pink, what is so attractive about that, girls have no similar situation which has the same result. Blue may be for boys but it has no difference for females.

There are many girls who from a young age don’t enjoy wearing pink, people often then assume purple is then the next best option. When it comes to shades of pink which is most startling, hot pink or baby pink? Is it worse as a shirt or a jumper, are ties acceptable? So many questions but who could ever really know?

Sexuality has now become associated with the style shape or size of clothes you wear. For example a guy who wore skinny jeans or sweater vests was gay and any girl in tracksuits and a hoody was automatically a lesbian. How did these style choices come about?

Colour plays a pivotal part in how we perceive others. Yellow and orange is generally a brave choice whereas black generally indicates desire to be slimming. And who remembers which way we should wear our stripes? I know this is way too deep into fashion for me but wondering these things is probably what keeps my mind as active as it is.

Body shape is another fashion no-no. Suddenly we are all fruit! Am I an apple or a pear? I am human shape, whatever next. Again this only seems to be a matter for women.

Jelly shoes have made a triumphant return and although I loved mine I feel like they should be kept just for that, children and the beach. I do not understand why grown women would think they are a good idea. Now they are heels and wedges and pumps. More than anything they are uncomfortable and let the dirt in.

I’m no fashion guru but this just doesn’t feel right!

Daddy

Daddy? When I grow up I want to be a princess.

You will always be my princess

Daddy? When I grow up I want to have a husband.

Only the best will do for you.

Little girls love their Daddies even when they are all grown up. The protector, the cuddly bear, the enforcer. The one you have arguments with because they love you and don’t like the thought of you growing up. The proud domestic goddess walking round in sensible slippers.

He’s the one you can tease about their height, size, hair (or lack of it) whilst he smiles and punishes you through tickling.

Daddy? When I grow up I want my children to have a Daddy just like when I used to have you.



Goodnight.

Busy Bee

Hello,

Sorry I haven't been on here in a while. Work pilled up and I needed to be focused on what I was doing at University so this got put back for a while. I haven't been talking to people back home as much as I wanted but my friend-base in Cheltenham has been growing and now I've been here almost 7 months I'm beginning to fit in and see this as my second home.

I have been doing more writing so here is one of the pieces I have done. Ill be putting the rest up over the next few weeks:

Look back and Remember

She turned the corner and was faced with a large brick wall towering above her. She did not wish to return the way she came or be faced with the past. Her breath deepened and became erratic as sweat begun tearing down her forehead. The footsteps grew ever closer as she began scrambling at the wall, hoping for a skilful escape. Crumbs of brickwork fell to the pavement as she clung to the rough edges, her nails worn back beyond her fingertips. They rounded the corner and stared up to see the embodiment of their desires attempting to escape from their grasp. With one sharp tug at the hips he pulled her off the wall and into his arms. He forced himself around her like a straightjacket. As she remembered her lips fell silent, her eyes hazed with emptiness. All thought and light left her mind as she slowly felt the soft cotton skirt wrap around her ankles. The full moon that remained the next morning was joined by a bright red sunrise staining the sky as Alissa slept on the floor by the brick wall, clown mascara down her cheeks. He, on the other hand, in bed only two doors down, the blonde haired lady lying next to him with diamonds on her finger.

 

Sorry its a bit morbid but I have discovered that is just how I write. I will write more when I have more time. Hopefully this week will be that time.

Speak to you all really soon where I will update you on all sorts of great things I have been doing this week.

 

Goodnight.

Unclogging

Hello,

Domestic goddess on the prowl! Oh yeah! Yesterday I did something truly impossible that I'm still coming to terms with my amazingness. I unclogged a kitchen sink.

I know what your thinking, isn't it men that normally have those kinds of jobs, including unblocking toilets and fitting new lightbulbs. But no yesterday I was all man.

The sink was blocked, probably partly because of the fat I had earlier poured down the sink but to be honest at Uni with the amount of goop that goes down that drain im surprised it doesn't get clogged more often. I was summoned to the kitchen to arrive to find a sink filled with warm water, up to them brim. Therefore I could not put any more hot water in the sink.

I open the cupboard underneath the sink to see if I could do anything with the pipes to disperse the gunky, fatty, food mass. I was faced with a huge puddle of water at the bottom of the shelf, water falling between the masses of plastic bags stored under the sink. Water was dripping from the pipes and falling into the open space. It smelled awful, I had to hold my breath to clear out eh soggy bags. 

I thought about what to do next and decided to pour bleach down the sink through the water to see if that would work. At first nothing happened so I left to ask the advise of my other flatmates. Upon our return, we arrived to an empty unblocked sink. I was amazed! I was then left to clear the overflowing cupboard puddle and mop up the water all over the floor.

I placed towels on the bottom layer of the shelf and mopped up the extra water with jay clothes and finished by mopping the kitchen floor. Job well done I think, and for a beginner I am proud of what I did.

Goodnight.

Rant of Anger

Describing anger isn't something I would ever enjoy writing about but you have to be passionate to write the best things.

When I get angry I feel as if I could literally burst. Anyone who really knows me knows I am not confrontational and never have been so when I get close to answering back you know you've hit a nerve. It hits my chest and my breathing becomes erratic and I will only speak few words incase I say something I will later regret. The phrase biting your tounge can become very literal and shaking with anger can often set in.

There are things you can be rightfully angry about that I could understand, like murder or crime acts of injustice that nobody will stand for, but why is it the petit things in life that give the most reaction.

As this blog was intended to be for talking about my experiences at Uni this is what I will continue to write about. Moving in at the beginning of the year is very exciting and you meet lots of people from all over the place. The problem is you have no decision on who you live with most of the time. For most people you find someone who shares interest or who you get on with but who can honestly ever say if they had met these people back home they would be as close friends as they are now? Would you ever consider living with them.

Don't get me wrong living with my housemates now has taught me a lot of new things and if any of them were in trouble I would help them out and be there. But I could tell you face to face one to one that if I had to name them in order of who I would most likely want to never see again for the rest of my life first I'd be able to do it.

Can someone remind me how old I am? Can someone explain to me how if you think I am no better than a child I was able to get into University? I often believe that people rate themselves against others and it has all begun to get a bit competitive, which is very wrong. I got onto this course just as much as you did, I am at this university and I got my place in the same way you did, so what makes you think you are better than me?

I hate writing like this because I feel like I'm being mean and two-faced but often the reasons I don't say these things is because I don't like confrontation or causing arguments. Id love a world where every thought you have must be spoken because the world would be a much nicer place. I'd love to be able to sit in a circle and know I could speak my mind and no harm would come from it then I could carry on with my life as if nothing has happened. There are moments where I wish I could just scream and cry or run home but I want to gain independence. But if that means it takes a little longer for me then so be it.

Everyone started life before they came here at a different stage. I never did much cooking or washing up or clothes washing or general housework, so the transformation for me has been pretty drastic. I have never been away from home for more than a week and whilst I was at home pretty much everything was done for me. I know I still haven't got the hang of it all but I'm learning so give me the chance to make mistakes again and again until I either get into trouble or something happens to make me change. I know my will power is basically non-existent but that is me and that will probably never change, I do things when I want to.

Okay rant over. This is very long and doesn't really show much writing talent but its me expressing myself which is why I created this blog to begin with. I feel a little like I'm writing the Burn Book from mean girls, but hey I am a girl and I have the right to be bitchy when I want to.

Next week, I always say this, next week Ill try again to get my life in an order that it should be. Ill make lists goals and try to stick to them although I know in the end ill be just like I started like 4 or 5 days ago. Oh well it's not like I'm hurting anyone other than myself and I've had enough experience of that to last a lifetime so that isn't going to worry me.

Goodnight.

Home is where the heart is

Hello there,

Another week has been passing and I'm properly settled into Uni again.

Coming back after Christmas has made me realise who I really love spending time with but has also helped me to see I am looking forward to being back in halls again next year. I've been getting on with my work for once which can be rare for me and in general I'm not missing home as much.

When you take a moment to think, I realise I know hardly anything about the people I live with and go to class with but I feel more at ease with them every time we meet up. The more lessons I go to the more work I do to becoming a teacher the more I realise I'm going to love my job once I'm qualified and that what I do both at home and at Uni is beginning to feel like me.

There are few people I used to be able to name that I thought cared about me and would be there if I needed them, but over Christmas and beyond talking to those around me I have seen that maybe there are more people out there for me than I realise. And that makes me feel pretty blessed to know the people I love care about me too. Id like to say the people I thought just knew me as a part of a larger whole now see me as a friend because there are many back home who I consider my friends although I may never be the one to tell them.

Growing up has always been something I never intended to do in a hurry but I enjoy my own company and that of other people. I may not be a big drinker or clubber, but I do enjoy a party a dance and a social gathering. I love being the one holding you back as you throw up or giving you a hug when you feel down and I get much more satisfaction from that than partying till god knows what time in the morning.

This term introduces me to History, R.E, Geography, Languages, D.T whilst continuing with all my core subjects as well as Placement, 4 assignment hand ins and an E-safety lecture. Scary to think I have finished PSHE, music and art for this year and only have one session left of P.E.

I love writing on my blog and never really know exactly what to talk about, I guess I'll just let you know if anything interesting happens. Please keep in contact back home. I will always reply to your messages as Im never far from my phone or laptop these days. Lots of love.

Goodnight.

Hanging on the Telephone

Hello,

I don't really know how to start this week. I'm at one of those points everyone gets. Im sad, but for no incredible reason. Nothing big is wrong, nothing has happened and Im perfectly happy with how my day and week has been going yet it doesn't stop the tears.

You know those times when all you want is a conversation with someone who fully understands you. There are few people in ones life who you can feel comfortable calling just to chat without it being awkward or without them truly understanding and comforting you.

The moment comes when you pass through the contacts on your phone, selecting your victims whom you search to gain happiness from. You dial the number and let the phone ring, and ring and ring...

Nobody picks up.

I'm not going to pretend that annoys me because people are busy, I get busy, I don't always answer calls but at that specific moment its like that was the most important phone call in the world.

Let me give an example. 2 years ago I was at college, I was in my second year and had started a new course in science and everything was going okay I would have been 17 years old. I had finished my lesson and walked away from class to go home. I approached the stairs just round the corner from my classroom and was on my phone. I fell down the stairs hurting my ankle. I couldn't stand very well or continue walking down the stairs. I called everyone in my phone book from college and nobody answered. I felt alone. A couple of minutes later my teacher a shortish man came out of his room to go downstairs. He asked if I was okay, I gave a quick explanation then burst into tears. I was humiliated.

He walked me to reception and called my dad to drive and get me. Nobody had answered my calls or responded. It may not always seem important to answer a call but at that moment it was.

Which got me thinking, who knows why someone may be calling. There could be a time when Ive been kidnapped or stabbed or raped and I only have time to make one call. I may choose you, and if you don't pick up something awful could happen.

Morbid I know. Just wanted to say that sometimes a phone call may be someone reaching out for help and it may not be important to you but to your caller it could be the most important second in their lives at that very moment.

On a happier ending this week I've really got the chance to speak to more people for longer at uni and have begun seeing a future with friends that I make here which at first I didn't imagine was going to happen. Life is looking up, even amongst down days like today.

Goodnight.

Happy New Year

Hello,

Again left my blog too long but I have wanted to spend as much time as possible with those I love whilst I'm back home for the Christmas holidays, as well as doing a lot of assignment work.

So... 2013 is almost over, I do have to say as I'm getting older I have noticed the weeks, months and years seem to fly by a lot quicker than they used to. Christmas used to take forever to come around but it seems to have sped round again.

I knew I would have too much to say on the matter of new year so thought I would write it all down here where I can babble for as long as I like.

This year has been amazing for me, one of the biggest highlights being getting into University and then making the move to Cheltenham. It wasn't what I expected and it still isn't but I'm beginning to make some great friendships and see that there could be some people I see being lifelong friends, which is always a positive (just hope they feel the same). I never even imagined I would get into University, let alone to do something that makes me feel so excited. Moving away was exciting but absolutely blooming terrifying. I needed to do it and I'm glad I did and over time I am sure it will turn me into the person I should and want to be. Here's to university turning me into a teacher!

One major thing for me was FAME! I got to be a principle and play a character very close to my own persona, but seriously I really don't eat as much as Mabel. I delved into a whole new style of singing and loved it. I stepped out of my shell when finally on stage by adding movement rather than just standing and swaying in the back. Don't get me wrong I love swaying on any stage but to be at the front made me proud with excitement. My top moment of those 4 days was the curtain down on the last performance. I was already crying just as the finale began and was battling back tears so I could see during the last moments of choreography. But once the bows were over and we froze, allowing the curtain to come down one last time. I stopped, centered myself, took one breath, and turned straight to one of my best and most loyal friends. There were no words, we fell into the tightest hug and sobbed, it was one of the most special moments in my life and I miss her very much when I am away. Nobody could have changed how I felt. It was like one of those magic moments in a movie when there is pure bliss and everything goes silent but the energy of that moment continues. Silent happiness.

I learnt how to drive and passed both my tests first time. I completed all my college courses even though there were teachers who doubted I could even pass let alone move on to University to do my dream job. They doubted me which is probably one reason why I doubt myself. But my college tutor really pushed me to do my best and I miss her very much. Apart from my parents she has been the one person who strived to make me do my best for me! To make sure I was doing what I wanted and that I was loving it. I was always be in debt to her as the reason I have got where I am today and I wish I had told her more. She is probably one of the people who has seen me cry the most.

I went through some hard times this year. I think I'm ready to talk about. around About the summertime I begun counselling. It didn't last a huge amount of time and at the moment I don't need to see anyone but I needed guidance. Those around me thought there was something wrong with how I learnt which jeopardised my dreams of being a teacher and there were mentions of depression. I do not think I was ever depressed I just have very negative thoughts. When left alone I always seem to imagine the worst. I thought those who were my friends hated me, that they talked about me behind my back. Whilst at Uni these past few months I have begun experiencing panic attacks and the negative thoughts continued which is why I started this blog and it has helped a lot. Some people say I am too personal on here but if you really know me you'll know I could tell you just about everything about me if you let me.

I have nothing to hide plain and simple. I write so much thinking nobody will read this whole thing, and I don't mind. I write it for me, anyone who reads it and gets enjoyment from it is just a bonus in my eyes.

I will leave resolutions for another time as I know I will most certainly break them. Please leave me comments or send me a message I love reading them and hearing what people think of my writing. Id rather that than silent readers.

Thank you for being here, please continue to read on next year.

Goodnight.