Happy New Year

Hello,

Again left my blog too long but I have wanted to spend as much time as possible with those I love whilst I'm back home for the Christmas holidays, as well as doing a lot of assignment work.

So... 2013 is almost over, I do have to say as I'm getting older I have noticed the weeks, months and years seem to fly by a lot quicker than they used to. Christmas used to take forever to come around but it seems to have sped round again.

I knew I would have too much to say on the matter of new year so thought I would write it all down here where I can babble for as long as I like.

This year has been amazing for me, one of the biggest highlights being getting into University and then making the move to Cheltenham. It wasn't what I expected and it still isn't but I'm beginning to make some great friendships and see that there could be some people I see being lifelong friends, which is always a positive (just hope they feel the same). I never even imagined I would get into University, let alone to do something that makes me feel so excited. Moving away was exciting but absolutely blooming terrifying. I needed to do it and I'm glad I did and over time I am sure it will turn me into the person I should and want to be. Here's to university turning me into a teacher!

One major thing for me was FAME! I got to be a principle and play a character very close to my own persona, but seriously I really don't eat as much as Mabel. I delved into a whole new style of singing and loved it. I stepped out of my shell when finally on stage by adding movement rather than just standing and swaying in the back. Don't get me wrong I love swaying on any stage but to be at the front made me proud with excitement. My top moment of those 4 days was the curtain down on the last performance. I was already crying just as the finale began and was battling back tears so I could see during the last moments of choreography. But once the bows were over and we froze, allowing the curtain to come down one last time. I stopped, centered myself, took one breath, and turned straight to one of my best and most loyal friends. There were no words, we fell into the tightest hug and sobbed, it was one of the most special moments in my life and I miss her very much when I am away. Nobody could have changed how I felt. It was like one of those magic moments in a movie when there is pure bliss and everything goes silent but the energy of that moment continues. Silent happiness.

I learnt how to drive and passed both my tests first time. I completed all my college courses even though there were teachers who doubted I could even pass let alone move on to University to do my dream job. They doubted me which is probably one reason why I doubt myself. But my college tutor really pushed me to do my best and I miss her very much. Apart from my parents she has been the one person who strived to make me do my best for me! To make sure I was doing what I wanted and that I was loving it. I was always be in debt to her as the reason I have got where I am today and I wish I had told her more. She is probably one of the people who has seen me cry the most.

I went through some hard times this year. I think I'm ready to talk about. around About the summertime I begun counselling. It didn't last a huge amount of time and at the moment I don't need to see anyone but I needed guidance. Those around me thought there was something wrong with how I learnt which jeopardised my dreams of being a teacher and there were mentions of depression. I do not think I was ever depressed I just have very negative thoughts. When left alone I always seem to imagine the worst. I thought those who were my friends hated me, that they talked about me behind my back. Whilst at Uni these past few months I have begun experiencing panic attacks and the negative thoughts continued which is why I started this blog and it has helped a lot. Some people say I am too personal on here but if you really know me you'll know I could tell you just about everything about me if you let me.

I have nothing to hide plain and simple. I write so much thinking nobody will read this whole thing, and I don't mind. I write it for me, anyone who reads it and gets enjoyment from it is just a bonus in my eyes.

I will leave resolutions for another time as I know I will most certainly break them. Please leave me comments or send me a message I love reading them and hearing what people think of my writing. Id rather that than silent readers.

Thank you for being here, please continue to read on next year.

Goodnight.

Missing part 2

The bus stop was a cold dark place Collete came to contemplate the day. Not only by setting but the inner thoughts she had whilst sitting there. This particular night he appeared almost like a vision before passing like a mirage. At first it felt as if he had been sent to drag her beyond the shadow she called life but before she could even stumble to her feet he was gone. Overtaken by intoxication and despair Collete fell to the floor for a quiet nap. Awaking to the new morning brought an intense pain filling her head with ideas and sensations she had learnt to enjoy over the years. Pulling herself to her feet people passed her giving no guidance or time. Men walked past their eyes embedded in her bosom whilst women whispered sharp criticism under their breath, boutique bags stuffed under their arms from their most recent hunt. Children were pulled away by protective guardians leaving Collete in a bubble of emptiness.

Looking back into times filled with happiness would be short lived for I can only tell you the truth. At the age of 11 her parents fought like savage felines, criticising again and again at every opportunity until they became alpha. The problem being there could only be one in command so they went their separate ways her father leaving in the night with only a kiss and a small felt heart cushion.

It wasn't pleasant but not many divorces are. Why else would two people break apart and promising to love their partner unconditionally until death do they part. You can imagine how Collete's disappointment deepened due to the length of time the feud continued. The funeral took place only two weeks later. Collete with her mother by her side sobbed softly. Her mother balling into tissue upon tissue. The dark mahogany coffin lined with fine silk and intricately detailed with silver embellishment, was lowered into the plot. Above it a wreath laden with lillies and ivy all intertwined with blood red roses. Another spelling out 'Dad' made of carnations, the colour determined by Collete. They were a sunny yellow as he was always smiling and it also reminded her of a wollen jumper vest he wore on special occasions such as her birthday or trips to the theatre. Her mother's deterioration was more prolonged...

To be continued...

Catch Up

Heya,

I realise it has been a complete forever since I wrote on here but gimme a break I've been busy. I am at university for goodness sakes. Anyway no joke for the past 3 weeks I have been on my first school placement as a trainee teacher. It was really rewarding and I cant wait to keep doing it again and again until I finally have my own class.

Over the past month I have done some awesome things but one of the main things that sticks out in my mind is meeting my little brother for his 16th birthday!! What?! How is this possible, I am stunned enough by the thought of my own age but seeing my brother reach 16 is weird as I remember just how grown up I felt then and what it was like to be 16 at last.

I believed I was soooo grown up but now I'm almost 20, 16 feels like nothing. I thought I knew everything and nothing but oh boy did life surprise me. I have had to face bereavement, loss, love and friendships in ways I never thought could happen. You may feel grown up now but the truth is I was still just a child. Scary thoughts right??

Oh yeah my brothers birthday was so lovely, we met in London, me my mum and dad. My brother was in his dance lesson and me and the family went shopping in Westfield. It was amazing! I wasn't feeling very well so couldn't appreciate the full affect of it all but children so tend to carry bugs so its kind of part of the job to be ill every now and again. Gave him my present over dinner which he liked so I'm super pleased about before getting the train home feeling gross.

Now I have a few little stories:
Quiet coaches on trains mean no talking right? so why come into a coach and talk super loud the whole way back when the person opposite is trying to listen to quiet music whilst reading a book (was Matilda by the way!).
It never gets any easier saying goodbye. I was waiting at the underground after leaving my parents seconds ago and I was a little chocked up but I held it. Until I noticed we were getting the same underground line in opposite directions from the same platform. Their train arrived they got on and I saw the train pull away. It is very hard not to cry in a very public space without feeling like an idiot. I cant look when they leave I have to turn away. My dad has told me that he told this to my mum when she saw I wasn't waving goodbye. It breaks my heart but even now I'm welling up thinking about my family back home. I count the days until I see them again and although I love university all I want is to be home again. I can not wait for Christmas to come so I can spend a month with my family, then maybe I will be able to cope better for the rest of the year.

Wow that got chattery and emotional. I have been away a while so there would be tonnes to chat up on but I think that is enough for now. I can always talk about more another time. Thanks for continuing to read if any of you are still there. Please leave me a comment to let me know how you think I'm doing or about anything you want me to talk about. Thanx

Goodnight.

Review of Bugsy Malone

Disclaimer: By The way this is a really long review

A review of The Rattonians Youth Group Production of Bugsy Malone.

I went to watch The Rattonians Youth group on opening night, Wednesday 30^th October 2013. Over the previous few days I had heard rumours that not all was going as planned but I was confident they would rise to the challenge as they always do and put on a brilliant performance, and I was more than right.

Each performance was slick and even when some may have had small lapses in memory they covered it with style and confidence. I have to begin with a review of Grace Allen. Her voice was stunning through every song, matched perfectly by style and timing. Her Blousy attitude and all the scenes with Alex were played perfectly and I was extremely proud seeing her go from strength the strength after seeing her performance in Just So earlier in the year. Alex Dry as Bugsy conveyed confidence when on stage alone, explaining the changes in storyline with character and class. Seeing him all grown up since Oliver he is developing his craft and could potentially be someone to look out for in the future on the west end. James Tomlinson always makes me smile. His characterisation is always spot on from his mannerisms and physical appearance to the voice he uses. When he got angry at the boys I couldn't stop giggling. Another potential star in my eyes. Aaron Wilder dazzled me with his dance skills. Yet again his singing was effortless as he strode across the stage but with the amazing choreography, by the equally amazing Laura Sivers, he added to his performance. Becka Wyatt looked beautiful and sounded beautiful. The style of song was perfect for her voice and matched with the dancing routine made me love her character. A slightly seductive edge that matured her performance effectively. Rhys Clarke was fabulous as the evil Dandy Dan. Accompanied by his despicable gang of accomplices I was thoroughly entertained. I wish I could mention every person by name but we would be here forever because there is something I could say about every one of you.

I have to shout out to the wonderful costume and props provided by the Rattonians but organised, made, fixed, altered and made fabulous by Pat Saunders. She works extremely hard to make sure the show looks perfect and does a wonderful job every time. Always lovely backstage making sure you are okay and just generally being an amazing woman. It would not be the same if she wasn't around just for a quick smile.

Choreography as always doesn't need any explaining. As per-usual Debbie Hackett pulls out all the stops to create dance moves tailored to the specific style asked of her. I am always excited to see each sequence and step as it makes you smile just by doing it. The stand out dances were Fat Sam's Grand Slam, Down and Out and Bad Guys. How they manage to fit all those children on the stage I'll never know but allowing so many children to appreciate the quality of dance she provides is wonderful.

With Alex Adams' direction the production took full form. Each scene flowed into the other with an effective use of lighting and sound effects. Then to take on the role on stage controlling the show put a lot of pressure on his direction but all the transitions worked effortlessly. Even his one line off-stage was heard without microphones and was easily recognisable as him.

Carl as always looked as if he was 'enjoying' himself, even but grabbing a hat that had fallen off onto the front of the stage and placing it on his own head for the remaining of the show. And again as always the music sounded beautiful, a band the west end would be proud to play with.

But, can we just mention the Splurge. There was masses of it fired in 'shots' all over the stage which Aaron did an exquisite job in clearing every time a mess was made. At the very end when everyone and everything was covered in Splurge I was terrified for all of you dancing. When I saw Grace slip my heart was in my mouth it seemed I was willing you all to stay on your feet, and for that performance at least you all did.

All in all a performance all of you should be extremely proud of as I was very proud of you all. Sharing the stage with talented youngsters as yourselves is an honour and a privilege. The atmosphere backstage is always so excitable and friendly you can always find someone to talk to. Such a tight knit group it feels almost like family. Well done.

 

 

From now on I’m going to just talk about my brother as I am biased and cringey like that.

Kieran made me both jealous and proud all at once. For his second show with the Rattonians he was at the front, on a microphone, had parts and responsibilities, as well as giving a great performance. You can tell his love for musical theatre has grown. He is behaving as a role model to other members as well as being strict. He has made some great friendships. Unfortunately, me and him are probably just as equally hard to costume as we are the total extremes in size. His tall thin figure made the suits and hats made him look very funny and accentuated his ears which I found hilarious. I love him to pieces and miss him very much at University and wherever he ends up going to college next year I’m sure he will excel and get exactly where he wants to in life with some great qualifications. Well done smelly.

Missing

Missing

 

Imagine one boy and one girl trapped in an ongoing love circle. And I know what you are saying, don't you mean triangle but no.

 

Visualise this. A girl with hair that flows freely, like the colour of golden autumn leaves just after they have fallen off the trees. No matter how she wears it, it always looks perfect. Skin that looks as if it has been sculpted by angels it fits so perfectly. A complexion any hormonal teenager would die for, not a blemish or a mark in sight. Her eyes the colour of topaz gems with their own special sparkle that hides a secret. The cute little freckles and dimples that accentuate her inner child and the innocence she so clearly lost a long time ago. For below her chin lies a woman's figure detailed with curves and undulations any man would be oh to happy to gander upon. For she is not a child, she is 24 and alone. You may ask why, this description of a girl so lucky with looks that only a personality with a heart of stone and the emotional capacity of a radiator could destroy. Because that is complete nonsense.

People often mistake being over emotional with having no emotions at all. They believe that just because someone is socially awkward it means they do not like you or feel hurt in your company. It takes a special person to understand that just saying come join me isn't invitation enough. Unfortunately our woman, our woman has a past. Everyone does but her past is full of disappointment, death and demise. When only a girl her parents were divorced then died, you would think tragic enough to loose a family through choice but not by accident. She began her decent into darkness facing the prospect of self harm and abandonment of soul, contemplating suicide and planning illusions to hide her distress. Until at the age of only 18 she discovered companionship.

I say only 18 as if that is such a small age as when you think of the time she still has to live 18 is still childhood. She is an adult but only by law. Not in body or soul or heart. Companionship can mean many things. To one it may be a simple hug from a loved one but to Collete it was as if she had been reborn.

A boy that looked like a man. Dressed all in green from head to toe. An army suit, hat and boots completing the ensemble. He could not have been much older than 23 at the time as hair sprung from his face in sharp strands shaping his face and highlighting his lips. His hair protruding from underneath the folds of his hat was a dark chocolate brunette, silky in look but soft by touch. From a distance his eyes seemed inviting and full of stories that Collete wished to hear. A calm in his eyes that could only be earnt through the realisation and terror of war. He limps forward one leg straight from the knee the other bending and struggling under his weight. A flash of silver bounces into Collete's eyes off the ankle of the solider, a metal fixture hidden under the uniform of heroes...

To be continued...

Updating the log

Hello,

So back on my life blogs. Nothing too interesting has happened, life just continues as per normal.

University has been getting better. Been attempting to mingle with people and keep meeting some really nice people. Still not as easy as it looks but it's better.

 

Went home last weekend after my mum came up to visit. Had a great time, met up with some of my closets friends. One who I think about every day who has kept me sane over Skype whilst I've been here and I don't think I could have managed without. One who is completely bonkers who I just chatted about the most random of things with for 3 hours on a bench in the freezing cold. And by last and no means least someone who makes me smile by the thought of me knowing I made them happy, someone who I look up to when performing but who I also regard as my little sister.

 

Can't forget the fabulous Rattonians youth group and their wonderful portrayal of Bugsy Malone. I was so proud and almost in tears waving back at you during the finale. I will be posting my proper review of that on Friday so keep your eyes peeled. (Never understood that saying)

 

Talking about Friday, I'm coming back again this weekend which is odd after going home only last week. Got to admit travelling with a suitcase on the underground alone for the first time is terrifying but I'm a big girl now so have to learn to deal with it. Grow up and learn to stand on my own two feet. (Again another saying I don't understand, I means who else's feet have I been standing on?)

 

I could probably write down like this for hours and tell you my whole life story but I don't think you will stay here and read that long so I think I will stop for now but try and make this a more regular thing.

Lots of Love to everyone back home, hope to see some of you on Saturday.

Goodnight.

University life

Wrote a little acrostic poem to describe things you should consider when at university.


Utilise the kitchen space
Never take food from others
Invest in a lot of junk food
Visit your flatmates rooms
Eat a lot of pasta
Respect your flatmates sleeping patterns
Skype people every night
Insure all your possessions
Try to make friends
You will survive


I will write a new life blog tomorrow so be on the lookout

Goodnight.

Exploding Microwave

So today I almost caused a fire. Not the best of days but to be fair it wasn't actually my fault...Let me explain.

 

So I had decided what to make for dinner which for a uni student is quite a big achievement anyway. I had chose the classic, microwavable jacket potato. So I placed them in set the timer and went about preparing my filling (tuna mayonnaise if anyone was interested). The Microwave was making an unusually loud noise which really did not sound right.

 

 

So I opened the kitchen door and called the other girls in my flat for their opinion as I didn't want to leave the microwave in this strange situation. When I turned back around there were funny lights coming from inside the microwave and what looked like smoke. By this time the girls had run down the corridor to help me and ran to the microwave and turned it off, opening the door.

 

By this point I was freaking out just a tiny bit. We shut the door turned the extractor fan on and opened all available windows, considering one is broken already. We then called security.

 

Strangely, and luckily, the fire alarm did not go off and we continued to talk to security. As we did not set off the alarms and there was no fire they didn't really seem to care. Microwaves isn't their department so we were told to email accommodation. By this time in the evening it is highly likely they are closed, therefore no new microwave until at least tomorrow.

 

If they then decide this is not an emergency we will have to wait up to 10 days! I think not!!

 

Here is what the microwave looked inside after we had cleared the smoke:

 

 

 

 

Yeah its fair to say it could have caught on fire, may possibly have exploded but I am alive thanks to the help of the girls in my flat.

 

One very close call. By the way I had cheese and apples for dinner if you are interested as I had no other food that would cook quick enough before going out.

 

Goodnight.

A Poem

Without You

Without you by my side
I feel lost in a sea of unknown
I have nowhere to hide
And all I feel is alone

Without you in my life
I find it hard to smile
On the edge of a knife
Even if for only a while

Without you to hold my hand
I cannot sing my song
But who will understand
Why I feel so wrong

Without you here to hold
When far away from home
I am consistently cold
But feel unfree to roam

I am without you
But what you don't understand
Is all the things you do
All the dramas you withstand

But who this is about
Although I have no doubt
You don't know who you are
But you're my shining star


A Poem I've written for a friend back home xx

Better Days

Hiya! So after yesterday's social low today was met with many challenges.

First I went shopping which wasn't all bad I guess. I mean the pain I felt at the till was pretty bad but the though of food in my fridge was nice :) It also ultimately meant I had ingredients to do baking which seems to be all I do at Uni at the moment.

I have discovered a love of baking since moving to uni. Weather it's because it fills time I enjoy it or whatever other reason (mainly they taste amazing!) but I cant seem to stop. I've made Rocky Road twice, Scones, cupcakes twice and a lemon drizzle cake in the space of 3 weeks. Making brownies tomorrow.

After posting my blog earlier today, after writing it up last night then forgetting to press publish, something strange occurred. After all my worries about not being liked and feeling scared to talk to others everything became wonderful. My flatmate came to me and made me feel about 10,000 times happier just by saying she regards me as her friend. She let me know everything was normal, that how I was feeling was okay and that she would be there if I needed anything. Also mentioning others in the flat probably felt the same! I felt like I could cry with happiness.

So what did I do, I propped my door open and when they went into the kitchen I joined them. It was the best decision I've made since I got here! I did some baking whilst chatting and laughing and just being with the girls. I loved just spending time together and it took my mind completely off where I was and what I was missing. I did that for 2 hours and it felt like half an hour.

I also got messages on facebook, twitter and text from people I never really imagined could help me. People I don't keep in regular contact who just rushed to help me when they thought they could, and they did. It has surprised me how much and how many people have been there for me today when I have needed cheering up.

So thank you, I won't forget it. And be sure that if you ever need me I'll be there to help because you have cheered me up when I was close to running away. Thank you!!

Goodnight.

My First Blog

Hey! So im kinda new to this so we will see how it goes. I've noticed recently people I know have been making blogs and figured it is a great way to express yourself without having to come face to face witha  real person. This way I can express myself without getting nervous, here I can just be me.

So I started Uni about... 3 weeks ago now and it has been super scary. Yep I never realised what my mum did for me at home and how much I really have no clue what to do. I've realise how awkward I am in social situations and that I really do not make friends easily. For example put me in a brand new situation with brand new people and I will freeze, ill turn from the most talkative person ever to the most shy person you have ever met. It is becoming lonely and embarrassing. I wish I had the confidence to go and join my fellow flatmates but I am just not that confident. Someone help me.

Other peeople have told me to get out there and just have fun but I get one step out my door and then freeze before running back in again. I can be confident on a stage in front of hundreds of people I dont even know but faced with three or four lovely girls in my flat who are all in exactly the same situation as me and I am suddenly terrified, its silly!

So what do I do now? Do I invite them round? No i question if they really like me.

Suddenly my brain goes into overload and everyone in the world has a horrible vendetta against me and the only people I can trust are living over 160 miles away. Why did I choose to live so far away?
 
I think that is enough for one blog but I intend to plague you with my university adventures, everything from cooking to cleaning and whatever tends to come inbetween including all these social dramas.

Goodnight.