Same Old, Same Old.

Hey,

So its 2018 now and I did absolutely nothing about my blog after buying my laptop over a year ago. 

Life is pretty much exactly where it was though. Still with the same guy which is a surprise to me. Been almost 2 1/2 years now! Can you believe it? If you had told 18 year old me that I would have been in a relationship this long before I was 24 I wouldnt have believed you. I still realise that Im a nightmare to live with and I have a lot of traits that many people would find extremely unnatractive and unbearable. But somehow Ive found someone who just about puts up with it all. 

Still working at the same place. The last time I wrote on here I was just about to start the job which is complete madness. Now Ive been there over 1 1/2 years. I shouldnt have been nervous back then because it turns out it was completely fine and I really enjoy it. Its become one of those jobs I really don't mind doing and will spend extra time doing stuff for at home or by staying later, which I never thought I'd find in a job. It doesn't come without its frustrations and challenges though but who said life was easy?

I think Ive made quite a few friends at work. Working in a place with so many colleagues means you get to interact with so many different amazing people that are so different and I enjoy that so much. Ive definitely learned that I get along with people of all different ages much better than those of my own age. For example at University I really struggled and didnt really enjoy the experience because I just couldnt relate to the same things as those around me. I didnt want to party and get drunk I just wanted an easy chilled out life. 

I really enjoy writing and although I dont ever do it I really should set some time aside to start doing it again. I always say Im going to continue it but never follow through with it. I never want to promise that I will because then i havent broken that promise, if that makes sense. Im going on holiday next month so maybe if i take some good pictures I can talk about it when I get back? Who knows! 

Goodnight. 

Hello... Its me

Hey, long time no write. Its been over a year since I wrote on this blog thing and a lot has happened.

I've been working at the convenience store ever since I last wrote on my blog but yesterday was my last day. Tomorrow I start my brand new job and I'm really excited. I've moved companies and now I'm a team leader instead of a customer service assistant which is pretty cool. Very excited for tomorrow but also nervous.

The main reason I haven't been blogging is I haven't had a computer. After my mum asked me to move out last October I didn't have a computer to type on so stopped blogging. But today I bought myself a laptop as I missed being able to type my own things whenever I wanted to.

The reason I couldn't use my dads computer is I basically live with my boyfriend now. So I'm never at home to be able to use the computer there and there isn't a main computer here. Now I have my own Ill be able to start writing again and doing my own things. I've missed having a laptop since I finished Uni as mine broke, when I say broke I mean got overrun with incurable viruses.

Been with the boyfriend 8 months tomorrow which is the longest I'e ever been with anyone. I know its sad but I quite like it. We've started doing things like buying a sofa bed and furniture and those kinda things. Who knows how long it will be until we are buying things for our own space rather than our little room. Now that I have this new job who knows we may even be able to afford to. As I''m typing he's here right next to me, just asked if I was typing about him, whoops! So predictable!

Its only when you are with someone else you realise all the weird creepy and gross things you do that other people just don't get or like. Didn't realise I had so many. Seems like he must be some kind of Saint to put up with me sometimes.

That's a very brief update, a lot more has gone on but I'm sure ill bring it up if I ever carry on doing this thing. Like I promise at the end of every time I start writing.

Goodnight.

Songbird.

Heya, It’s been a long time but I’ve just been very busy with a job and general life stuff that I haven’t been on here in ages. Sorry about that.

The reason I am writing this blog now is because; 1,  I have been missing it recently and do miss sitting down and writing because it does make me feel a lot calmer typing out all my worries and getting them off my chest and 2, because I want to share something.

I have always loved singing but through my life I have had many moments where I am unsure what level I am at and whether it is more than just a passion but something I could do as a career rather than just a hobby. Now I am having singing lessons and I feel more confident. My singing teacher is proud of what I do and really enjoys hearing me sing which makes me wonder if there is something there.

I guess I just want some opinions. Not in a braggy way like, oh look at me and my singing but I just want some feedback to help me see what other people think because I don’t really know how it sounds.

I didn’t want to upload it straight to facebook where everyone could see it. I wanted people to have the choice if they wanted to watch  through my blog without it just popping up on my friend’s news feeds. Plus Youtube can be a great place for people you don’t know to just watch and give feedback without knowing who you really are and what you are like so can just judge what they hear. Either way I would really love to hear what you think, good and bad.

Here it is:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=04bwh8KEktc&feature=youtu.be

Thank You.

At Last.

So I’m kind of back!

Probably not but I’m here for one blog at least anyway. Just to update those who may be interested.

So im still living at home and actually love being back in my home town. It was definitely the right decision for me as I was really not happy moving away. University may never be for me but I gave it a try and im glad I had that experience and independence even if it was for only a year and now I have over £10,000 worth of student debt. I miss the friends I made up in Cheltenham  most and find it hard being so far away that I can’t just pop up and say hello whenever I like but it doesn’t mean I love them any less than when I left almost a year ago.

I have a job now in a little convenience store near me which is nice. They are a good team and I earn my own money which means with the low rent I pay my mum I am able to support myself other than what my parents help provide me with. I am very proud of where I have come. Id never had a job before I left for uni and now I’ve had two and I’m beginning to learn and understand what it feels like to really work for the money you are given and the sense of pride you get when you see the money in your bank on pay day and think, I earnt that money.

I am 21 in under 2 months which is scary. Strange things like realising I left school 5 years ago and seeing friends that are engaged or married with children of their own have stunned me. I am an adult now and no matter how much I have been resisting it I am now seen as a grown up. I still refuse to let go of my love for Disney films, fluffy toys and just general childish behaviours. Although I do now have a great love for homeware and decorating. Such as ornaments, cushions, candles, blankets and other small trinkets to place around the house. I find myself looking at crockery and furniture and planning my home out. I’ve also had a recent obsession for buying flowers and arranging them in big kilner jars in the lounge.

I wouldn’t say I’m coasting through life but I am running out of time to make a decision about what I want as a career. Do I return to uni? Do I do an apprentiship? What do I want? Focussed very much on the I part. Me, I have to choose a future that I want as I am going to be the one living it. I have realise if I want money the jobs that pay the most do require a degree so that does make me feel a little trapped  but I am unsure if I would be able to cope with returning to uni without panicking and wanting to come home again within the first term.

That’s an update anyway I’m sure I will be able to find more things to talk about as the weeks go on, who knows? I will try to keep going (as I say every time), because I do enjoy this.

Goodnight.

P.S Watch out for another post later tonight.!

Time Goes By, So Slowly.

Back again.

Took a week off last week as didn't have a clue what to write about. Still don't really but I'm sure Ill find something to ramble on about. Job stuff is getting better and I'm hearing back from more people. Fingers crossed that I could have a job soon! Rattonians restarts next Sunday which is exciting but filled me with a little bit of terror seeing as the show is on in October, about 6 weeks away.

I realised this morning had I been going back to University this year I would already have moved in to start training for residential assistant work, which seems kind of mad to me now when I think about what I've actually been doing. The summer is ending but I'm really excited for the Autumn and Winter. I am excited for jumpers and Christmas leggings (yes they are a thing!) and hot drinks. The end of the year always has the best holidays too. There's Halloween and I'm determined to be doing something to celebrate with friends. There is bonfire night and I am determined to go and see some fireworks with friends. And then Christmas which means I get to go shopping for gorgeous little presents, plus I love wrapping. But this requires friends for me to give presents too.

I guess realising I should be at Uni has made me think about all the people who wont be around that much to celebrate with me. My friends I made at Uni last year will be no where near me which will be difficult enough to try to keep in contact as it is. The real question is when your friends go away how much do they actually stay your friends? Can you rely on them to be there just as they were before? I've realised its not the same. Its either much better or becomes hard to stay in contact.

If you don't keep regular contact with people then time gets filled up with other things. You fill that time then forget what you've replaced. So by the time these new things end you forget what to do. By this time those old friends may be busy or feel unwanted which is never nice and often untrue.

I was watching Fame the other day and one line really stood out to me more than when we did it at the time. "I wonder where we will all end up". Where exactly? Id like to Facebook stalk people I know in 20 years time and see their lives full of partners (well one partner), children, careers and happiness. But who know what we will see. And what will they see in me?

From not having anything to talk about this blog has got kind of deep and left me with a lot more questions and maybe has got you thinking more than you probably wanted to about how uncertain the future is. Whatever it becomes I hope it still includes the person you are today (just older and greyer).

Goodnight.

Ice Ice Baby.

Hey,

Actually kept to a schedule this week and am writing another blog on a Monday night. Check me out.
Update on life, still no job and the application count is up to 30 but its okay ill get there.

Today I took part in the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. It was especially nasty as it has been freezing and tipping it down with rain all day today so even standing out there was enough without the water being poured over me. But I did it. All for a good cause (as long as you donate) and the reasoning behind it was definitely felt. As ALS is related to your muscles I definitely felt my upper body go numb and hard to move and I cant imagine what having the condition is like.

Check out my video here, including my brother and one of my best friends:

 

Today was also the day I took part in a national course in Bexhill with a group of my dancing buddies. It was totally worth it and a lot of fun but definitely made me realise how out of shape I have become in the past year since going to University. I cant wait to get back into dancing and if all goes well try and create a healthier thinner me.

 

Only two weeks left till those two nutters in the video above leave me and go to dance colleges to study for a career in professional dance and dance teaching. The thought of them and a lot of my other friends from home leaving is never a nice one but these guys are some of the very few I am pretty certain I will be seeing until the next generation takes on the ice bucket challenge. I wonder how technological doing this will become in that amount of time? I will miss them of course but I've already left once before and many times throughout the year so I think I've grown a backbone to leaving now. A little cry every now and again and you are sorted. Plus my brother is stuck with me for the rest of his life, cant pick your family unfortunately.



Hopefully Ill be back here next Monday. Trying to make this a more regular thing, you'll be fed up of me by the end of this. Speak to you soon.

Goodnight.

Poem for Puppy

Hey have you heard about this girl?

Northern Irish at heart

Distance tore us apart

Who now journeys on, make up done hair in curls

 

Fantastically perfect in every way

Without a hair out of place

And smile on her face

With a hop, skip and a jump up the hilltop to play

 

A red sheet between us of secrets and tears

She knows all about me my hopes and  my fears

So similar

So strange

Yet a friendship appears

 

A blue mat at church  inside she will roll

A pidgeon at her side to have and to hold.

She is my saucepan and I am  her bowl

And I’ll never let go through the warm or the cold

Lemons or Lemon seeds?

Hey, another month has passed since I have been on here and no progress has been made. I have had a brilliant time with some incredible friends and spent some time doing work for University just so that I can prove that wasn't a complete waste of my life.  Yet I still have no job.

You really do have to put a lot of work in to find a job in the UK. Obviously I could do more. I haven't gone round handing CVs out because I know the minute I turn my back out of that shop it will get chucked in the bin as most applications are made online now.

Lets talk about the application process. Since when do I have to do a personality test before I even get to interview. They analyse every single decision you could make. The minute you say you are confident you aren't considered a team player but if you don't do enough you are lazy or a liability. I cant remember how many times I have written out my qualifications or recent work history. How many times I've clicked drop down boxes about when I'm available or little yes no boxes about committing any crimes. Every time is either thank you for your application but no or I never hear a thing.

I came to the conclusion that when life gives you lemons you make lemonade is a stupid phrase. Not everyone gets lemons. Some of us get lemon seeds and we have to plant and grow the tree before we even get to the stage of making lemonade. And what about those who are privileged enough to buy their own lemonade readily prepared, how is that fair? I know I've gone into this metaphor way to much but the point is there right?

I'll keep searching. Life is still good because I could be somewhere a lot worse with nobody around me and I have some pretty awesome friends that keep each day interesting and full of laughs. Who knows what's around the corner. But seriously if anyone reading this has any ideas about helping me find a job I would actually be eternally grateful.

Please leave some comments about what you'd like me to write about next. Maybe I could do some story writing or a poem or something, Let me know.

Goodnight.

If life gives you Lemons make...Orange juice?

Definitely haven’t been here in a while and I know that's terrible. People having going mad not knowing what to do with their lives obviously.

Well that's kind of why I’m back. This blog was supposed to be about my time at university but recently I have discovered teaching isn’t for me and I'm taking some time away from university for at least a year. The problem now is I don’t have a clue what to do with my life?!

Everything I have done so far has led me up to this point in trying to be a teacher, all the work experience I have done has been working with children and now that’s not what I want to do. I’ve never had a proper job before so cant get anyone to hire me due to no prior experience. I know who hasn't heard of someone never having a job before the age of 20. I cant ride a bike either but I didn’t think that really mattered so much in life so left that aside.

What do I choose to do as a career now?

I love performing. I can hold a tune, I can remember and do dance routines and I think my acting skills are pretty good. Yet those close to me have said that is not enough. I don’t have enough talent to pursue it as a career. Okay so I'll do that for fun. But that still doesn’t answer my question. I would love to work on TV or on the Radio but you cant just walk into a job you have to have experience and qualifications which I don’t have.

I could go back to University but what could I do?

I can write pretty well I have an A level in English Literature and Applied Science. But again my nearest and dearest have told me I am not academic enough to continue to University doing something else. I am smart enough to do a variety of things but not smart enough in a particular field to make it as a specialist.

There are lots of things I'd love to do but none that are actually possible. Id love to do YouTube but there are so many people there now it is very hard to become successful. Id love to be a hairdresser or make up artist but haven’t got the skill or training, plus I cant even handle my own hair let alone anyone else’s. Working at the check in at an airport or on planes would be great fun but I don’t have the image. Working for Disney or in musical theatre would be a dream but again there is a specific image and you have to be extremely talented.

I guess what I’m trying to say is at the moment nothing seems to be making much sense but all I know is I have friends around me keeping me positive and encouraging me to keep searching. My life could be so much worse and it's not so I just have to be thankful for what I have and be patient that something will come my way in the end.

Goodnight.

Be the Cure

Back again. So over the past year I haven’t exactly been the most healthy of human beings. Yes University is a take away menace but it can be tamed. This is going to be about my recent health problems and is just a way for me to vent. Feel free not to read if its too personal.

Back in September when I first arrived at University within the first month or two I started experiencing panic attacks brought on by the thought of being so far away from home. I found it very difficult to make friends and as made evident by my blog by no means did I dislike my flat mates but if I had met them back home we never would have been close enough to be so intimate to live with them. It takes a lot to feel so comfortable with someone you could imagine living t=with them and being thrown into that situation doesn't help.

I had one very bad panic attack where I began finding it hard to breath and felt physically sick after having an argument with my flatmates. Thankfully one of my other flatmates came to help and managed to calm me down. I rang my parents and spoke to them to calm me down. I have lost count the amount of times I cried alone in my room this past year and wouldn’t wish that upon anyone.

I missed the odd lecture due to illness but this is pretty normal. Everyone gets ill now and again that's just normal. When I returned for the Easter holidays I was very ill the day before I travelled back to university. Upon my return the same symptoms returned again and again every week sometimes within the space of 4 days. Nothing seemed to trigger it and I stopped eating fatty foods, chocolate and drinking fizzy drinks yet it still persisted. I visited the doctors after a particularly bad night as I had begun to miss important lectures. I was placed on beta blockers to combat anxiety as it was thought the anxiety was triggering illness. There was no change.

I revisited the doctor who then placed me on tablets with the thought it could be acid reflux but needed more exploration once I returned home. Everything stopped I wasn't ill any more and felt a lot more happy and calm. Until recently it returned one weekend once home.

I visited the doctors back home where I was told to come off all my meds as they were wrong. It wasn’t anything the previous doctor had predicted and the medication for anxiety shouldn’t have been prescribed. She suggested antidepressants or meeting with a mental health nurse which I was unsure about as I don’t believe it is quite that bad. Since then I haven’t been ill again but have been experiencing new symptoms and felt a lot more agitated and negative.

I have had blood tests and will be having a full medical later this week to re-register at my medical practise back home. Now I have to wait and see what comes back. My worry is if nothing comes back as wrong and I only have the symptoms intermittently how can I prove there is anything wrong? How can they discover what is wrong? Will it come back or was it a weird fluke? Will it return in 10-20 years time for no reason? I don't know but I’m sure someone will figure it out eventually even if I cant.

So if I haven’t been around much or haven’t been myself, this is probably why. I’m not ignoring you I'm just not feeling quite myself at the moment.

Goodnight.

Friends...Pals...

I’ve made friends! I know it sounds hard to believe but I actually managed to get out of my university room and escape. Through a really odd path I became a member of the Christian Union and made friends from a range of churches and courses. I started going to church and felt the most amazing sense of community. We were meeting up all the time spending so much free time together. I almost felt like I was spending more time with them than on my course. I enjoyed going for them, the music and the message.

Specifically two people have had a huge impact on my life. We spent so much time together doing a wide variety of things from getting food out in kfc to sleeping round and having flour fights in my kitchen. These people will be my friends for life and I intend never to let go of them. We live so far apart but who would have known what could bring us together. Life may have been tough for us at times but when we are together we know all they want is to have fun and not talk about it, and that’s what we do. Knowing someone so well and thinking about living with them and knowing them when they grow old is the most fantastic feeling. I just wish one day we could all live together in the same old peoples home, it would be the funniest time of my life and I'm sure we would get up to so much trouble. They got me to go out and enjoy myself at things I never thought I could. A true gentleman pigeon and a crazy little puppy always. Love your seal :)

Since returning home from University I have discovered old friends as new. Often when I'm at dancing now I think I am so old and boring the young people would not be interested in me joining them. But they just include me and I feel no different. I’ve known them all such a long time that now they are older it is odd to see them as mature teens. They have become friends that I can have the most intense laughs with, we have so much in common and think in exactly the same way, maybe this just means I am a child at heart. Though a couple of them are very similar ages to me and we have known each other many more years I am so pleased I have had the opportunity to revisit old friendships and make them so much more. This summer is going to be very fun and I feel very privileged to be included in their shenanigans. I’m sure we will have many more twisted and hilarious times out in the sun or prancing about to some very strange songs. No matter how old I am my dancing family always makes me feel welcome no matter how long I have been away.

 

So maybe I am not quite as alone or friendless as I first believed and just need to trust those around me a little more to be there if I ever needed them.

 

Goodnight.

Journal Jottings

Hello,

Just a couple of entries from my English journal, let me know what you think.

Fashion Faux Pas

Are you one of those men who wears pink?

There has often been the stereotype that you have to be very confident with yourself as a man to be able to wear pink. I have never understood this. To begin where does this obsession with girls and pink come from? Who decided this and how we separate the men from the women?

If you don’t wear pink, why not? And why do girls swoon when a guy does wear pink, what is so attractive about that, girls have no similar situation which has the same result. Blue may be for boys but it has no difference for females.

There are many girls who from a young age don’t enjoy wearing pink, people often then assume purple is then the next best option. When it comes to shades of pink which is most startling, hot pink or baby pink? Is it worse as a shirt or a jumper, are ties acceptable? So many questions but who could ever really know?

Sexuality has now become associated with the style shape or size of clothes you wear. For example a guy who wore skinny jeans or sweater vests was gay and any girl in tracksuits and a hoody was automatically a lesbian. How did these style choices come about?

Colour plays a pivotal part in how we perceive others. Yellow and orange is generally a brave choice whereas black generally indicates desire to be slimming. And who remembers which way we should wear our stripes? I know this is way too deep into fashion for me but wondering these things is probably what keeps my mind as active as it is.

Body shape is another fashion no-no. Suddenly we are all fruit! Am I an apple or a pear? I am human shape, whatever next. Again this only seems to be a matter for women.

Jelly shoes have made a triumphant return and although I loved mine I feel like they should be kept just for that, children and the beach. I do not understand why grown women would think they are a good idea. Now they are heels and wedges and pumps. More than anything they are uncomfortable and let the dirt in.

I’m no fashion guru but this just doesn’t feel right!

Daddy

Daddy? When I grow up I want to be a princess.

You will always be my princess

Daddy? When I grow up I want to have a husband.

Only the best will do for you.

Little girls love their Daddies even when they are all grown up. The protector, the cuddly bear, the enforcer. The one you have arguments with because they love you and don’t like the thought of you growing up. The proud domestic goddess walking round in sensible slippers.

He’s the one you can tease about their height, size, hair (or lack of it) whilst he smiles and punishes you through tickling.

Daddy? When I grow up I want my children to have a Daddy just like when I used to have you.



Goodnight.

Busy Bee

Hello,

Sorry I haven't been on here in a while. Work pilled up and I needed to be focused on what I was doing at University so this got put back for a while. I haven't been talking to people back home as much as I wanted but my friend-base in Cheltenham has been growing and now I've been here almost 7 months I'm beginning to fit in and see this as my second home.

I have been doing more writing so here is one of the pieces I have done. Ill be putting the rest up over the next few weeks:

Look back and Remember

She turned the corner and was faced with a large brick wall towering above her. She did not wish to return the way she came or be faced with the past. Her breath deepened and became erratic as sweat begun tearing down her forehead. The footsteps grew ever closer as she began scrambling at the wall, hoping for a skilful escape. Crumbs of brickwork fell to the pavement as she clung to the rough edges, her nails worn back beyond her fingertips. They rounded the corner and stared up to see the embodiment of their desires attempting to escape from their grasp. With one sharp tug at the hips he pulled her off the wall and into his arms. He forced himself around her like a straightjacket. As she remembered her lips fell silent, her eyes hazed with emptiness. All thought and light left her mind as she slowly felt the soft cotton skirt wrap around her ankles. The full moon that remained the next morning was joined by a bright red sunrise staining the sky as Alissa slept on the floor by the brick wall, clown mascara down her cheeks. He, on the other hand, in bed only two doors down, the blonde haired lady lying next to him with diamonds on her finger.

 

Sorry its a bit morbid but I have discovered that is just how I write. I will write more when I have more time. Hopefully this week will be that time.

Speak to you all really soon where I will update you on all sorts of great things I have been doing this week.

 

Goodnight.

Unclogging

Hello,

Domestic goddess on the prowl! Oh yeah! Yesterday I did something truly impossible that I'm still coming to terms with my amazingness. I unclogged a kitchen sink.

I know what your thinking, isn't it men that normally have those kinds of jobs, including unblocking toilets and fitting new lightbulbs. But no yesterday I was all man.

The sink was blocked, probably partly because of the fat I had earlier poured down the sink but to be honest at Uni with the amount of goop that goes down that drain im surprised it doesn't get clogged more often. I was summoned to the kitchen to arrive to find a sink filled with warm water, up to them brim. Therefore I could not put any more hot water in the sink.

I open the cupboard underneath the sink to see if I could do anything with the pipes to disperse the gunky, fatty, food mass. I was faced with a huge puddle of water at the bottom of the shelf, water falling between the masses of plastic bags stored under the sink. Water was dripping from the pipes and falling into the open space. It smelled awful, I had to hold my breath to clear out eh soggy bags. 

I thought about what to do next and decided to pour bleach down the sink through the water to see if that would work. At first nothing happened so I left to ask the advise of my other flatmates. Upon our return, we arrived to an empty unblocked sink. I was amazed! I was then left to clear the overflowing cupboard puddle and mop up the water all over the floor.

I placed towels on the bottom layer of the shelf and mopped up the extra water with jay clothes and finished by mopping the kitchen floor. Job well done I think, and for a beginner I am proud of what I did.

Goodnight.

Rant of Anger

Describing anger isn't something I would ever enjoy writing about but you have to be passionate to write the best things.

When I get angry I feel as if I could literally burst. Anyone who really knows me knows I am not confrontational and never have been so when I get close to answering back you know you've hit a nerve. It hits my chest and my breathing becomes erratic and I will only speak few words incase I say something I will later regret. The phrase biting your tounge can become very literal and shaking with anger can often set in.

There are things you can be rightfully angry about that I could understand, like murder or crime acts of injustice that nobody will stand for, but why is it the petit things in life that give the most reaction.

As this blog was intended to be for talking about my experiences at Uni this is what I will continue to write about. Moving in at the beginning of the year is very exciting and you meet lots of people from all over the place. The problem is you have no decision on who you live with most of the time. For most people you find someone who shares interest or who you get on with but who can honestly ever say if they had met these people back home they would be as close friends as they are now? Would you ever consider living with them.

Don't get me wrong living with my housemates now has taught me a lot of new things and if any of them were in trouble I would help them out and be there. But I could tell you face to face one to one that if I had to name them in order of who I would most likely want to never see again for the rest of my life first I'd be able to do it.

Can someone remind me how old I am? Can someone explain to me how if you think I am no better than a child I was able to get into University? I often believe that people rate themselves against others and it has all begun to get a bit competitive, which is very wrong. I got onto this course just as much as you did, I am at this university and I got my place in the same way you did, so what makes you think you are better than me?

I hate writing like this because I feel like I'm being mean and two-faced but often the reasons I don't say these things is because I don't like confrontation or causing arguments. Id love a world where every thought you have must be spoken because the world would be a much nicer place. I'd love to be able to sit in a circle and know I could speak my mind and no harm would come from it then I could carry on with my life as if nothing has happened. There are moments where I wish I could just scream and cry or run home but I want to gain independence. But if that means it takes a little longer for me then so be it.

Everyone started life before they came here at a different stage. I never did much cooking or washing up or clothes washing or general housework, so the transformation for me has been pretty drastic. I have never been away from home for more than a week and whilst I was at home pretty much everything was done for me. I know I still haven't got the hang of it all but I'm learning so give me the chance to make mistakes again and again until I either get into trouble or something happens to make me change. I know my will power is basically non-existent but that is me and that will probably never change, I do things when I want to.

Okay rant over. This is very long and doesn't really show much writing talent but its me expressing myself which is why I created this blog to begin with. I feel a little like I'm writing the Burn Book from mean girls, but hey I am a girl and I have the right to be bitchy when I want to.

Next week, I always say this, next week Ill try again to get my life in an order that it should be. Ill make lists goals and try to stick to them although I know in the end ill be just like I started like 4 or 5 days ago. Oh well it's not like I'm hurting anyone other than myself and I've had enough experience of that to last a lifetime so that isn't going to worry me.

Goodnight.

Home is where the heart is

Hello there,

Another week has been passing and I'm properly settled into Uni again.

Coming back after Christmas has made me realise who I really love spending time with but has also helped me to see I am looking forward to being back in halls again next year. I've been getting on with my work for once which can be rare for me and in general I'm not missing home as much.

When you take a moment to think, I realise I know hardly anything about the people I live with and go to class with but I feel more at ease with them every time we meet up. The more lessons I go to the more work I do to becoming a teacher the more I realise I'm going to love my job once I'm qualified and that what I do both at home and at Uni is beginning to feel like me.

There are few people I used to be able to name that I thought cared about me and would be there if I needed them, but over Christmas and beyond talking to those around me I have seen that maybe there are more people out there for me than I realise. And that makes me feel pretty blessed to know the people I love care about me too. Id like to say the people I thought just knew me as a part of a larger whole now see me as a friend because there are many back home who I consider my friends although I may never be the one to tell them.

Growing up has always been something I never intended to do in a hurry but I enjoy my own company and that of other people. I may not be a big drinker or clubber, but I do enjoy a party a dance and a social gathering. I love being the one holding you back as you throw up or giving you a hug when you feel down and I get much more satisfaction from that than partying till god knows what time in the morning.

This term introduces me to History, R.E, Geography, Languages, D.T whilst continuing with all my core subjects as well as Placement, 4 assignment hand ins and an E-safety lecture. Scary to think I have finished PSHE, music and art for this year and only have one session left of P.E.

I love writing on my blog and never really know exactly what to talk about, I guess I'll just let you know if anything interesting happens. Please keep in contact back home. I will always reply to your messages as Im never far from my phone or laptop these days. Lots of love.

Goodnight.

Hanging on the Telephone

Hello,

I don't really know how to start this week. I'm at one of those points everyone gets. Im sad, but for no incredible reason. Nothing big is wrong, nothing has happened and Im perfectly happy with how my day and week has been going yet it doesn't stop the tears.

You know those times when all you want is a conversation with someone who fully understands you. There are few people in ones life who you can feel comfortable calling just to chat without it being awkward or without them truly understanding and comforting you.

The moment comes when you pass through the contacts on your phone, selecting your victims whom you search to gain happiness from. You dial the number and let the phone ring, and ring and ring...

Nobody picks up.

I'm not going to pretend that annoys me because people are busy, I get busy, I don't always answer calls but at that specific moment its like that was the most important phone call in the world.

Let me give an example. 2 years ago I was at college, I was in my second year and had started a new course in science and everything was going okay I would have been 17 years old. I had finished my lesson and walked away from class to go home. I approached the stairs just round the corner from my classroom and was on my phone. I fell down the stairs hurting my ankle. I couldn't stand very well or continue walking down the stairs. I called everyone in my phone book from college and nobody answered. I felt alone. A couple of minutes later my teacher a shortish man came out of his room to go downstairs. He asked if I was okay, I gave a quick explanation then burst into tears. I was humiliated.

He walked me to reception and called my dad to drive and get me. Nobody had answered my calls or responded. It may not always seem important to answer a call but at that moment it was.

Which got me thinking, who knows why someone may be calling. There could be a time when Ive been kidnapped or stabbed or raped and I only have time to make one call. I may choose you, and if you don't pick up something awful could happen.

Morbid I know. Just wanted to say that sometimes a phone call may be someone reaching out for help and it may not be important to you but to your caller it could be the most important second in their lives at that very moment.

On a happier ending this week I've really got the chance to speak to more people for longer at uni and have begun seeing a future with friends that I make here which at first I didn't imagine was going to happen. Life is looking up, even amongst down days like today.

Goodnight.

Happy New Year

Hello,

Again left my blog too long but I have wanted to spend as much time as possible with those I love whilst I'm back home for the Christmas holidays, as well as doing a lot of assignment work.

So... 2013 is almost over, I do have to say as I'm getting older I have noticed the weeks, months and years seem to fly by a lot quicker than they used to. Christmas used to take forever to come around but it seems to have sped round again.

I knew I would have too much to say on the matter of new year so thought I would write it all down here where I can babble for as long as I like.

This year has been amazing for me, one of the biggest highlights being getting into University and then making the move to Cheltenham. It wasn't what I expected and it still isn't but I'm beginning to make some great friendships and see that there could be some people I see being lifelong friends, which is always a positive (just hope they feel the same). I never even imagined I would get into University, let alone to do something that makes me feel so excited. Moving away was exciting but absolutely blooming terrifying. I needed to do it and I'm glad I did and over time I am sure it will turn me into the person I should and want to be. Here's to university turning me into a teacher!

One major thing for me was FAME! I got to be a principle and play a character very close to my own persona, but seriously I really don't eat as much as Mabel. I delved into a whole new style of singing and loved it. I stepped out of my shell when finally on stage by adding movement rather than just standing and swaying in the back. Don't get me wrong I love swaying on any stage but to be at the front made me proud with excitement. My top moment of those 4 days was the curtain down on the last performance. I was already crying just as the finale began and was battling back tears so I could see during the last moments of choreography. But once the bows were over and we froze, allowing the curtain to come down one last time. I stopped, centered myself, took one breath, and turned straight to one of my best and most loyal friends. There were no words, we fell into the tightest hug and sobbed, it was one of the most special moments in my life and I miss her very much when I am away. Nobody could have changed how I felt. It was like one of those magic moments in a movie when there is pure bliss and everything goes silent but the energy of that moment continues. Silent happiness.

I learnt how to drive and passed both my tests first time. I completed all my college courses even though there were teachers who doubted I could even pass let alone move on to University to do my dream job. They doubted me which is probably one reason why I doubt myself. But my college tutor really pushed me to do my best and I miss her very much. Apart from my parents she has been the one person who strived to make me do my best for me! To make sure I was doing what I wanted and that I was loving it. I was always be in debt to her as the reason I have got where I am today and I wish I had told her more. She is probably one of the people who has seen me cry the most.

I went through some hard times this year. I think I'm ready to talk about. around About the summertime I begun counselling. It didn't last a huge amount of time and at the moment I don't need to see anyone but I needed guidance. Those around me thought there was something wrong with how I learnt which jeopardised my dreams of being a teacher and there were mentions of depression. I do not think I was ever depressed I just have very negative thoughts. When left alone I always seem to imagine the worst. I thought those who were my friends hated me, that they talked about me behind my back. Whilst at Uni these past few months I have begun experiencing panic attacks and the negative thoughts continued which is why I started this blog and it has helped a lot. Some people say I am too personal on here but if you really know me you'll know I could tell you just about everything about me if you let me.

I have nothing to hide plain and simple. I write so much thinking nobody will read this whole thing, and I don't mind. I write it for me, anyone who reads it and gets enjoyment from it is just a bonus in my eyes.

I will leave resolutions for another time as I know I will most certainly break them. Please leave me comments or send me a message I love reading them and hearing what people think of my writing. Id rather that than silent readers.

Thank you for being here, please continue to read on next year.

Goodnight.

Missing part 2

The bus stop was a cold dark place Collete came to contemplate the day. Not only by setting but the inner thoughts she had whilst sitting there. This particular night he appeared almost like a vision before passing like a mirage. At first it felt as if he had been sent to drag her beyond the shadow she called life but before she could even stumble to her feet he was gone. Overtaken by intoxication and despair Collete fell to the floor for a quiet nap. Awaking to the new morning brought an intense pain filling her head with ideas and sensations she had learnt to enjoy over the years. Pulling herself to her feet people passed her giving no guidance or time. Men walked past their eyes embedded in her bosom whilst women whispered sharp criticism under their breath, boutique bags stuffed under their arms from their most recent hunt. Children were pulled away by protective guardians leaving Collete in a bubble of emptiness.

Looking back into times filled with happiness would be short lived for I can only tell you the truth. At the age of 11 her parents fought like savage felines, criticising again and again at every opportunity until they became alpha. The problem being there could only be one in command so they went their separate ways her father leaving in the night with only a kiss and a small felt heart cushion.

It wasn't pleasant but not many divorces are. Why else would two people break apart and promising to love their partner unconditionally until death do they part. You can imagine how Collete's disappointment deepened due to the length of time the feud continued. The funeral took place only two weeks later. Collete with her mother by her side sobbed softly. Her mother balling into tissue upon tissue. The dark mahogany coffin lined with fine silk and intricately detailed with silver embellishment, was lowered into the plot. Above it a wreath laden with lillies and ivy all intertwined with blood red roses. Another spelling out 'Dad' made of carnations, the colour determined by Collete. They were a sunny yellow as he was always smiling and it also reminded her of a wollen jumper vest he wore on special occasions such as her birthday or trips to the theatre. Her mother's deterioration was more prolonged...

To be continued...

Catch Up

Heya,

I realise it has been a complete forever since I wrote on here but gimme a break I've been busy. I am at university for goodness sakes. Anyway no joke for the past 3 weeks I have been on my first school placement as a trainee teacher. It was really rewarding and I cant wait to keep doing it again and again until I finally have my own class.

Over the past month I have done some awesome things but one of the main things that sticks out in my mind is meeting my little brother for his 16th birthday!! What?! How is this possible, I am stunned enough by the thought of my own age but seeing my brother reach 16 is weird as I remember just how grown up I felt then and what it was like to be 16 at last.

I believed I was soooo grown up but now I'm almost 20, 16 feels like nothing. I thought I knew everything and nothing but oh boy did life surprise me. I have had to face bereavement, loss, love and friendships in ways I never thought could happen. You may feel grown up now but the truth is I was still just a child. Scary thoughts right??

Oh yeah my brothers birthday was so lovely, we met in London, me my mum and dad. My brother was in his dance lesson and me and the family went shopping in Westfield. It was amazing! I wasn't feeling very well so couldn't appreciate the full affect of it all but children so tend to carry bugs so its kind of part of the job to be ill every now and again. Gave him my present over dinner which he liked so I'm super pleased about before getting the train home feeling gross.

Now I have a few little stories:
Quiet coaches on trains mean no talking right? so why come into a coach and talk super loud the whole way back when the person opposite is trying to listen to quiet music whilst reading a book (was Matilda by the way!).
It never gets any easier saying goodbye. I was waiting at the underground after leaving my parents seconds ago and I was a little chocked up but I held it. Until I noticed we were getting the same underground line in opposite directions from the same platform. Their train arrived they got on and I saw the train pull away. It is very hard not to cry in a very public space without feeling like an idiot. I cant look when they leave I have to turn away. My dad has told me that he told this to my mum when she saw I wasn't waving goodbye. It breaks my heart but even now I'm welling up thinking about my family back home. I count the days until I see them again and although I love university all I want is to be home again. I can not wait for Christmas to come so I can spend a month with my family, then maybe I will be able to cope better for the rest of the year.

Wow that got chattery and emotional. I have been away a while so there would be tonnes to chat up on but I think that is enough for now. I can always talk about more another time. Thanks for continuing to read if any of you are still there. Please leave me a comment to let me know how you think I'm doing or about anything you want me to talk about. Thanx

Goodnight.